S1:E19: Paris Taught Me How To Love Myself

I found my soulmate in paris. It was me. It was always me.

Transcript

Intro:
Welcome to Mental Breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity.

I’m Maryann Samreth, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again.

In this season, I carry you moment to moment, starting with a tumultuous breakup, then multiple breakdowns, and eventually a breakthrough.

I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors and break the cycle of generational trauma.

There is power in storytelling and sharing our vulnerabilities with the world. It opens doors to cultivate deeper connections with others on the same journey so we can heal as a collective.

By sharing my truths, I pave the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell. Stories that can be someone’s silver lining. Stories of hope.

Episode Intro:
In this episode, I talk about my first solo trip abroad. In the fall of 2019, I impulsively bought a plane ticket to Paris, in told no one. Until pretty much the day I left. I had this burning desire to go to Paris, I do not know why I was just calling my name, and I had to follow through. And during this trip, I learn to fall in love with myself, by being alone, overseas, not speaking the language, I only had myself and my journey abroad was life changing. It really shifted my perspective of what I needed in my life, to love myself, and what relationships I needed to nourish me. For a long time, I was giving my love our way to people who willingly took advantage of it. And I was breaking that toxic behavior behavior pattern I had in myself. So I am very excited to share my journey traveling alone to Paris, I think whether you're single or in a relationship, that is something you should do, you should travel by yourself. Decide what you want to do for you, and have that experience of learning to fall in love with your solitude. It's a very wonderful experience. And I think in moments of solitude, you really reconnect with yourself and you really learn so much about what makes you you and what you need to make you you what you need to make you feel safe. So I highly recommend solo traveling when it's safe to do so. I hope you all enjoy this episode. And I want you to think about where you would go in the world to fall in love with yourself.

Episode 19

I’ll never forget this conversation I had about how rock bottom creates a mindset of freedom, spontaneity, and living as your most authentic self. At rock bottom, you’re fearless. At rock bottom, you meet yourself. At rock bottom, as my dear friend Lorena said, at our reunion dinner in Montmartre, Paris, you have nothing to lose…And this is how I ended up in Paris, on a solo trip. Reconnecting with an old friend from the time I lived abroad in Florence 7 years ago.

Lorena and I partied hard in Florence to the point where our only encounters were either at my apartment throwing a pre-game, or at the clubs. We’ve never developed a real connection until I reached out to her to see if she wanted to catch up over dinner. I was at a point in my life where I was seeking authentic connections, and in seasons of uncertainty, anything is possible…which lead to our dinner being over 2 hours talking about our lives after our fashion studies in Florence.

Lorena told her story of rising from rock bottom and having the mentality of having nothing to lose which is what lead her to move to her dream city, Paris…I was just rising from my rock bottom which is what also lead me to Paris.

The pattern of rock bottom is the beauty of doing whatever the fuck you want.

Rock bottom was exactly where I was when I made the decision to go to Paris…

In between the stagnant seasons of fall and winter of 2019, I felt a burning desire to leave New York City.

I was exhausted from healing a broken heart from a catastrophic ending of a five-year relationship.

I was tired of crying.

I was tired of the sleepless nights.

I was tired of changing all my online passwords to prevent my ex from continuing to cyber stalk me, which I talk about in episode 17, No One Believes You When Your Ex-Stalks You.

So, I did what any impulsive millennial would do on a lonely night: I booked a solo trip to Paris.

I can’t explain why I chose Paris because it felt like it chose me.

For weeks, I kept seeing signs were pulling at my heartstrings.

My world was attracting all things French. I was surrounded by French school children in my neighborhood, discovered French cafes on my way to work, and was introduced to people who had just returned from their solo trip to Paris. 

The idea of traveling alone in the city of love as someone who just proudly shattered her rose-colored glasses sounded perfectly ironic.

Why the hell not? I had just enjoyed my solo time in the Hamptons…I was ready for a more daring adventure with me, myself, and I.

I had to turn the volume of concern down from my friends and family of my decision to solo travel abroad. No one understand my intuition telling me to go to Paris.

Paris was calling my name. So, I silenced the noise of every fear, doubt, and judgment of traveling alone and jetted across the Atlantic to the city of love.

Paris welcomed my messy heart with open arms. It began with reuniting with my cousin I hadn’t seen since I was 21. We lived worlds apart our whole lives, as she grew up in France and I in America, but we were bonded through our similar roles of being the black sheep of our families.

We both were raised with Cambodian cultural upbringings to be perfect. To live a life worthy in the eyes of our family. Reputation was everything…stability, security, and checking boxes was priority..and I tried my best to follow the pressure of perfection until I realized I was living life for everyone but myself…So I couldn’t be myself.

I felt like I broke out of the system after my awful breakup.

Marriage, kids, and a future with a partner was no longer in the cards for me…and I couldn’t be happier. I only wanted those things to feel worthy in fitting in with my family and with society…and I lost myself trying to fit in a box that I was never meant for.

I’d rather live a life of authenticity, alone, than please everyone and be miserable with someone who on paper could have given me everything, but in spirit, gave me nothing.

My desire was to now continue to fall in love with myself.

I think the most romantic gesture of self-love is a solo trip for your soul.

A solo trip where you wake up to the crisp morning with a renowned sense of freedom to do as you please. 

A solo trip where you discover that magic has followed you everywhere because it’s been inside you this whole tine. 

A solo trip where fall madly, and deeply in love with the person you are becoming. 

A solo trip where you fiercely show up to the world exactly as you are.

Paris was giving me all this freedom to learn to love myself and part of this journey was meeting a blood relative who accepted me exactly as I am. I’m so grateful to have reconnected with cousin.

My cousin and her fiancé graciously took me on a tour of the outskirts of Paris. From Disneyland to Bruges’ medieval city, and the best French Michelin star restaurant in the Champagne country of Reims, I was honored she shared her favorite places with me.

We both were in sync with trying to live a life of following what makes us happy rather than conforming to success painted by our families’ pressure. I felt so safe to tell her things I never told my immediate family. We both were filled with so much compassion, empathy, and curiosity for the past versions of ourselves so we could continue welcoming the newest versions of ourselves.

We both experienced getting through setbacks in our lives without asking for help because we didn’t think anyone would listen…and now realized we always had each other to lean on, even if we’re thousands of miles away. We’d be there for each other.

To be seen, heard, and validated in this relationship was the healing I needed after a summer of isolation. Helene, you’re more than just family, you’re part of my chosen family.

After I parted ways with my cousin, I began my journey of solitude, allowing my heart to guide me. The freedom to create my schedule was liberating. I would wake past noon, nap at 4 p.m., and eat dinner at 11 p.m. I was living and breathing a true Parisian lifestyle.

My spirit was free to roam the cobbled streets of Les Marias, weaving in and out of vintage shops filled with fur coats and designer dresses. I was energized with solo lunches, brunches, and dinners. I went to see the Moulin Rouge, did a photoshoot in Montmartre, and toured the Catacombs of Paris.

One night, I found a cozy bench underneath the bright lights of the Eiffel Tower. I had never felt so renewed and happy in my life. Since my arrival in Paris, I stopped replaying my heartbreak. I was embracing the present moment. I was slowly learning to be okay to live a life without being in love because I was falling in love with myself.

Under the Eiffel tower, I wrote a poem:

You called my name and for the first time
I muted the sound of every fear, doubt and insecurity

You whispered in my ear
I am here to be yours when youre ready

When you are ready to live
Exactly as you are

When you are ready to love exactly as you are 
When you are ready to simply be

Exactly as you are
You hold my hand gently tell me

I welcome you
Open heart to open heart

Exactly as you are

I spent five stilted years with a partner who depleted me. Up until he left, I gave and gave my love away with nothing mirrored back but deception, lies, and betrayal.

My trip to Paris showed how much love I had to offer and what would happen when I gave it to myself. By choosing what I wanted to do, eat, or see, I was giving the love I gave away back to myself.

Paris mended my broken heart and coated it in golden moments where I reconnected with the parts of myself, I thought I’d lost forever.

In a world that conditioned me to find a partner before 30, I never knew loving myself provided me with unconditional feelings of trust, respect, and worthiness.

The love within created a new reality of the life I deserved. It made me realize I was never meant to settle for a man who laughed at my dreams, diminished my intelligence, or held me back from my greatest potential.

The love within raised my relationship standards because I no longer needed anyone to validate my worth.

The love within said goodbye to an outdated belief system to create a healthier one.

The love within was no longer afraid to live a life without being in love because I knew the only love I needed was in the safety of my heart.

Paris, you are a beautiful soul

You have a magnetic beauty

You are a dream of a city

Not because you are easy on the eyes

But because of the way you make me feel

You make me feel seen

You make me feel desired

You make me feel loved

As I sit on the plane ride home

I turn around to say goodbye

And it hits me all at once

Every way you made me feel

Was the greatest disguise of self-love

Paris, I love you

For allowing me to love myself

Outro:
Thank you for listening to this episode. If you’re in a single season i hope you’re enjoying the journey of returning to yourself.

If you liked this episode please follow me on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and leave me a review.

You can also follow me on IG and TikTok at Sincerely Miss Mary.

I will talk to you all next week!