S2E33: Love Is Medicine With Self-Love And Embodiment Coach Amanda Castilone

Amanda Castilone is a Self Love + Embodiment Coach who guides women into deeper embodiment so that their relationships explode with so much love and joy - including and especially their relationship with themselves.

Amanda is passionate about helping people get out of their minds and into their bodies so that they can tap into their innate wisdom and remember how to feel. Her work is based on her core belief: you are not broken and there’s nothing to fix.

She helps her clients move through fear-based thought and behavior patterns, through intuitive mindset coaching, embodiment practices, and somatic practices, so that they can feel ALIVE again and ultimately live a desire-led life they love and are excited about.

Amanda works with clients in 1:1 coaching containers, intimate group programs, and through her online membership based community, SACREDSPACE.

Join SACREDSPACE:
https://www.amandacastilone.com/sacredspace

Connect with Amanda:
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/amandacastilone/

Website:
https://www.amandacastilone.com/

Email:

amanda@amandacastilone.com

Maryann Samreth 0:00

Welcome to mental breakthrough, a mental health podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories. As a reminder, we are all human. I'm MaryAnn Samreth, trauma writing coach, founder of sincerely Miss Mary and your host. In this season, I bring in healers, coaches, therapists and writers in the mental health and thought leadership space to share their stories of overcoming their shadows, to get to a place where the light shines again. These are trauma survivors, mental health advocates, spiritual guides, coaches, and first and foremost, human beings, reminding us to be softer and kinder to ourselves, so we can then meet others with the same compassion. The power and sharing our truths with the world gives permission for others to feel safe experiencing theirs. As a disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for trauma informed therapy. But as always, you can find mental health resources on my website at www that sincerely, Miss marry.com.

We break in relationships and we heal and safe relationships. That is something that you may have heard a lot. And this is the underlying theme of today's episode with self love and embodiment coach Amanda cast alone. Love is the antidote for trauma. And Amanda guides us through her journey of healing through self love by leaning into pain. She shares how joy and suffering is a choice that she had a revelation about. And she takes us through the why and the how and the what this means and what this looks like to us all. Amanda was one of my co leads for my trauma writing group coaching program. She is somatic trauma informed and understands how to released trapped emotions, energy in trauma held within the body. I hope you enjoy this episode and have a deeper understanding of how we're meant to be loved in this world. Before I begin this episode, I have a few words as a brand ambassador for mine shine. April is stress Awareness Month. And I have been very stressed the past month that I've been burning out. And one thing that has been helping me is the mind shine app. Mind shine is a mental health coaching app. I use this in the morning to start off my day. There are sections that guide me through journaling and affirmations. I use this at night for my evening routine to get myself off of social media and detox and feel into my body and get ready for the next day. And I also use this when I have stress triggers, which happens a lot because I have complex PTSD. So one of the sections of this app is called SOS, which is very fitting. And I've been feeling overwhelmed really the past couple of weeks. So I use the SOS section it navigates me to feel into my body where I am feeling overwhelmed, and acknowledged that this is a part of me. And to nurture this part of me instead of shaming and turning away from it. And what this does, within 90 seconds, it regulates my emotions, it allows me to feel into it to lean into it and then to release it to feel relief. That's my dog. I'm about to use this app on her. This app is somatic informed, which is why I love it because it regulates your your emotions, and it regulates your nervous system. And it helps you build a habit. So when you're feeling like you're in a spiral, you have a tangible place you can go to to get yourself grounded back to the present moment. And I have partnered with mine shine that's m i n d s h i n e to give you guys one free month of mental health coaching. Use code Miss Mary. Now please enjoy this week's episode

Hi, everyone, welcome to Mental breakthrough podcast. I have a very special guest today I have Amanda she is a self love and embodiment coach breathwork facilitator and intuitive healer. She helps women get in touch with their deepest desires and clears of blocks to receiving them through somatic practices, embodiment practices and mindset work. And Amanda is also she was one of my former co aides for my trauma writing program. She is trauma informed, so we're going to be having some incredible conversations today. How are you doing Amanda?

Amanda Castilone 4:50

Hi, thanks for having me. I'm doing so good. I'm ready for this and

Maryann Samreth 4:56

I'm excited. Well I'm just so excited because you are traveling for and you have that understanding. And it's so important for coaches to be trauma informed. It's a big part of our healing journey to understand our bodies and the beliefs that that is held there. And I know you have this incredible story of how you became the person you are today. So I'd love to ask you, what is your mental break your story, and how did you become the person you are today?

Amanda Castilone 5:22

I feel like such a such a powerful, deep and maybe even long winded question. But yeah, I, what, what strikes me the most, when I hear that right now is just like all of these experiences from my childhood that I didn't quite know, until recently that were traumas, you know, like, small traumas that into me traumas, anything that kind of, like takes us out of our body, I always think of like, you know, when you get scared, you go, and you hold your breath. And like, you leave, it's like, it's like, it takes us out of our body. And our body is the present moment. And so I, I had a lot of those situations growing up, and some of the most notable ones that I feel like really played into my has played into my adult life. And I'm sure, to a degree continue to today. I just went into a somatic practice this year, and remembered even as early as six months old, I, I have like a memory or like a knowing kind of like an imagination memory of being in the crib and crying. And, like just it was felt like a begging for and I was experiencing this in my physical body as I'm going through this, this practice and just crying for my parents, and like one of them would come in, and I would be like, Yes, oh my God, thank you, please, yes. And like, want them to pick me up. And they were just like, you know, soothe me and check my best fire and like, just make sure I was okay, and then leave again. And it was like, ripping, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. And it was like, Oh, my God, like, Oh, my God, touch me, please, please, please, like I just needed to physical touch so bad. So like re experiencing that, obviously, in a safe place. And I knew I was safe. But I got to really touch so much emotion that was there. And it led me to understand like, really, for myself understand that so much of this trauma is actually pre verbal. Yeah, before we can even speak and before we even actually know what's happening. So that was really powerful. And then I'm doing a lot of work, right now in a in a training program that I'm in around around this and like we really pick up our parents energy. And so like if there was unsafety in my mom when she was pregnant with me, like I picked that up. And so there's all these things that I'm getting to deeper and deeper layers in my own in my own story in my own body, that I'm realizing really just had such a profound impact on me. And then kind of fast forwarding to another really notable, I guess, like pivotal moment in my story. I remember, I was a dancer from from three years old all the way through high school until I graduated. And I was on the competition team, like in my later years, and I think I must have been like 12 or 13. And my mom was like, we were getting measured for dance costumes. And my mom went to the guy who was ordering costumes, who was my uncle's partner, actually, and was like, Oh, man is in between sizes. Like what should What should I do? Should it go up? Or down? Like how does this costume run? And he goes, Oh, definitely go up. She's thick. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And I wasn't there for okay, I was gonna ask for you there. But my mom was so angry that he said that that she told me Wow. And so you know that I never really thought anything about my body. I don't think I don't know. I was like, Okay, I'm gonna body this is my body. I don't think I have no memory of caring how I looked until after that I remember being in ballet class and like used to wear a leotard and tights and then after that I started wearing like a ballet skirt to like hide my thick my thick and I would just look around at everyone else and be like, Oh, wow, like I actually am really different from them. And it started like it started to just fester. And so that belief of like, my body's not good enough because then I started to not make team like I would try out for the team that I want it to be on and I wouldn't make it and I would be like oh it's because of my body.

And there was so much else going on there like my ability was there and there was there's all these other things but it was all of this all these things started happening in my life and as I went through high school that sort of to prove that like I'm not good enough and my based on how I look like I if I was skinnier, prettier, taller, whatever then I then like Then like I would have everything I needed. And I started to like really have experiences that it felt like they were, they were proving that to be true. And so over the years, I just kept getting like these small traumatic experiences, which don't feel small in the moment, over and over, that kept solidifying this belief that I wasn't the story that I wasn't good enough. Gosh, and so then that, I think, because that belief was so, so ingrained in me, I was such a seeker. Like, as soon as I moved to California, I think I've always felt like there was something really big for me in life, and I didn't feel good enough for it. But I, when I moved here, I just started to feel like oh, my gosh, I, I know that I know that I meant for so much in this life. And yet, it felt like I had so many blocks to, to actually realizing that like making that a reality. But then I, I did, I started just like reading self help books and listening to podcasts and all these things when I finally started my journey as a health coach, because of course, body was like the area that I really, really felt like I had to improve. And so that journey started around started with me, weighing every single morsel of food that I would put into my body, like putting it on a food scale, and like tracking all of that. And in order to reach like some, I don't know, ideal body or weight, or whatever it was. And I'd be working out to control how I looked and all of that. And so that was actually such a disconnection from my body. It's totally like that that fear part was just running the show, like do this to be good enough do this to be good enough, do this to be accepted, do this to get love. And it drew me so far away from myself. And then I began to help people with losing weight, and all of those things. And as I started to just get deeper, like, I'm gonna real seeker and I would just keep, like, something in here doesn't feel right, what is going on, help me how I want to figure this out. And so it was a lot of fix it mentality. But it still got me it got me to where I needed to be eventually, right. So I started helping people with that. And then throughout my own journey, it was like, paralleled my healing journey. And my, my practice has always been in parallel. So I was working on losing weight, even though there's nothing to lose. And that was what I was helping people with. And as I got more deeper into this journey, I started to realize, oh, wow, like this with the women that I was helping women and men that this has nothing to do with the food. Like, there's something so much deeper going on here. And I started to really shift into feeling my emotions and understanding what emotions were and feelings and like really dropping into my body that way. And so then I shifted my my focus on emotional eating and food freedom. And I was helping women with that for a while. And then pretty quickly, I found like most like a deeper layer. And I realized that the real issue is that we don't we've forgotten we weren't taught how to love ourselves. Yeah. And so that's when I that's how I beat. That's how I started like on this even deeper part of where I where I'm at on this trajectory of where I'm going, and then became a self love coach. And I really started to help people because I was helping myself through being held by other healers and coaches, and really going into this for myself, I was able to then see what was really happening. And I Yeah, so then my practice shifted, and my own my own relationship with myself and my body just continues to just deepen, and over the past year or two, time is very weird right now. So I think, two years, I really started to deepen into embodiment and somatic practices. And that has been like my liberation in my body. And so that's now where I'm at. And what I teach my clients is how to get in actually, like in deep relationship with their body. And to me body is yes, physical like the soma. But also there's an energetic, there's an emotional body as well as a spiritual body. And so it's like that word for me holds all of that. And that's what I help women really tap into, because that's where our power lies, which to me again, our power is love. And that's what we only deeply crave and want and so when we can learn to be in love, which is inherent inside of us as feminine beings. Everything else just falls into place.

Maryann Samreth 14:41

I'm just taking all that and that was amazing. Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and I love that now you dedicate your life to helping others in the same way. And I just want to ask you what like, do you remember like that moment where you realize that your mind was disconnected? Read from your body and that you kind of had to reclaim the love again to to be able to access parts of your body that you know didn't have love because trauma gets stuck in our body. And there's parts of us that are untouched by love. And you say love is like, you know the true like medicine for for healing trauma. What was your experience in first, you know, if you can remember, like that moment, you're like, oh, shit, like, my body is disconnected from me.

Amanda Castilone 15:27

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, I think it was actually, you know, more humans. And sometimes when we realize something the first time it's like, no, no, no, we don't want to, we're not quite ready to hear I think I had so many moments where I like I knew, but I didn't know. But I think the biggest thing that stands out for me is I've had I had had and you know, there, there's layers to this, but I had digestive issues. My whole life. And it was like, my body was trying to digest so much else other than food. But I just, I kept approaching my body with my brain, like, How can I fix this? How can i What did I do wrong? To make my stomach feel this way? How can I make sure I never do that again? And how can I make this go away right now. And so there was like so much disconnection in between my head and my my body? Because I wasn't actually feeling and and listening to what was going on. So I guess I don't think there was a moment I think if there was, it has to be most recently. And as I've gotten even deeper into this, like, oh, wow, it's like I'm living from the, from the neck up. And everything from the neck down is like, just kind of along for the ride. And that's to me completely backwards. Because our bodies have so much wisdom in I believe they're our connection to Source and the divine. And at least in my experience, the deeper I get into my own body, the more connected I feel to everyone and everything else.

Maryann Samreth 17:05

What does for those that do not know like or can't can't even fathom what it is to feel love. Because it is a feeling and I think people don't really truly know how to embody that. How do you take someone through that self love Journey and that embodiment journey.

Amanda Castilone 17:21

The the key is that we start with what's on top. And oftentimes, what's on top is not feelings of love, it's things that we haven't felt for a really long time. And so in terms of somatic work, and even like get working on the mindset around these things, it is starting with feelings of maybe shame or sadness, or guilt or anger, or hopelessness or unworthiness and really showing up in the body to where those where those emotions live. And there is and I'm learning this more and more and more, there's, there's a, you can think of it like a pendulum swinging back and forth. But in every thing, there is pain and pleasure. And so when we touch a point of pain in the body, the natural tendency, once that is felt and release is to it releases into pleasure, it may not be like, you know, mind blowing pleasure, but they're even in like the relief and the space that is then created. We have we can touch and taste and really actually feel what it feels like to feel relief and maybe a little bit of pleasure in that way. And so I focus on both we do show up to the pain, but in every single moment, no matter where we are, and what we're experiencing, we can also feel the pleasure and joy and lightness that is also there. And so I find that part to be so, so so, so important, because when we do this work, we can just be like, Alright, I gotta dive into all my shit and I have and it's like all misery and it can really feel like that but but we aren't just because we've have felt that way for a long time doesn't mean that we have to continue that and we deserve to feel even the tiniest little bit of relief when it's there. And so focusing on both and it is it's definitely a journey this work takes time. And I really believe that mind and body need to align in order for this just to really settle in for all of us. Yeah,

Maryann Samreth 19:28

that's really fascinating. So like, you mean like right after we allow ourselves to feel pain pleasure comes in the form of relief like right after we feel like let ourselves feel our feelings like in just like, but it takes like 90 seconds to like regulate your emotions. Wow. Yeah, like

Amanda Castilone 19:45

right after I mean you can you can even access it but the key is like it's not. It's not about so many times when I when I first start working with people, they they're like no I feel all the time I feel too much and While I really get that feeling happens in the body, and so many people are like think feeling, yeah, state, but they're not actually connected to their body in it. And we actually, so I train, I really help help my clients get in to the body part of that emotion. And when we feel there, that's where it lasts 90 seconds. We're, of course, if we just keep going over in our minds, it's gonna last 90 years. The same feeling we felt our whole lives because we are actually feeling it. Oh, you're so right. Yeah. So then when we feel that sensation in that pocket in the body, it's like, and it opens and it pops. And then there's even just the smallest bit. But what's true always and with everyone that I work with, is that if there's like a block or a heavy, heavy part of the body, once that clears, it's like it's no longer there. And you can actually physically feel the space that was created. And so I really take a moment, many moments in that process to stop and really feel what it feels like to have that sensation not be there. And that is pleasure, because there was something heavy, and now it's gone. And that's like, oh, okay, this does feel better, and the whole rest of the body might be hurting, you know, there might be other pain, and it's so tempting to just be like, Alright, next, Okay, gonna go here, I'm going to feel that I'm going to feel that. But if we don't take, if we don't take the opportunity to really feel that that little, little bit of pleasure, and sometimes there's a lot of bit of pleasure. We don't feel what's there on both ends of the spectrum. And we're, you know, we're missing something.

Maryann Samreth 21:39

Yeah. I mean, that is so powerful. And I can see how like that big revelation played into your own personal life. Because, you know, you said you had this belief, you know, that was little to trauma created in your childhood with that person making a comment about your way to and how that got stuck, and then continued to manifest itself into repeated experience to, like, maintain that false core belief that you had in you.

Amanda Castilone 22:07

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I

Maryann Samreth 22:08

think that's so I think it's so fascinating that you're able to that just like just hearing your story like you feeling your feelings finally, was able to release that that core belief of, you know, your, your, like, your relationship with your body and what what was that experience? Like, when you started to love yourself? You started to love your body started to basically like, reclaim your sense of self.

Amanda Castilone 22:33

Yeah, totally. That's exactly what it is. And I mean, to be honest, I'm still in that right now. So many layers to it. And I'm in a little bit of a deeper, I guess, I don't know, I view this journey as a spiral, not a line or not like a web it very much is like we have certain good think of like a spiral going down. And they're like little dots along the spiral, or like, actually columns. And so like, if body stuff is, you know, top, top, right, let's say and then we go, and we heal some that we heal other things. And we're going down the spiral on the next layer down, but we get to the right side again, body stuff is probably still gonna come up. And so it doesn't mean that we're going backwards, it means that oh, okay, great. I'm going to deeper pocket and like, ouch, this goes really deep. And here we are. And so I just continue on that journey. And, but I think it was painful. Yeah, there's so much pain wrapped up in that. And of course, with body stuff, our bodies are where we hold a lot of most of this trauma and pain. And so getting back in touch with my body, it was painful, because so many of the beliefs around my body were held in my body. And so but I will say it got easier and easier and easier and easier, easier, I guess, and more manageable. And I was more willing, and I was more able, the more I continued to show up for that, but I I was horrible to myself for years, like really, really terrible, especially about my body. And my husband used to be like, Oh my god, like you're just Why are you so mean to yourself? You're so beautiful. Like what I don't understand what you're seeing. I just like don't understand it. I would be like, you just have to say that because you're literally no, I do not have to see that. And so it was really hard for me to hear that but those reflections actually let me question like, we you know, what is actually true here and so I never ever thought that I would be in a place where I could like look in the mirror and be like, I love my body like wow and like to actually touch it and like want to touch it and to like want to be in it and to have so much gratitude especially in you know different medicine ceremonies that I'm in and just like touching my body and be like, Oh my god, I get to live life in this vessel. Are you fucking Yeah. Like, just get like so much gratitude for it. So it's I'm so grateful for the journey. I don't ever want to go back.

Maryann Samreth 24:58

Yeah, no big We'll never go back. Yeah,

Amanda Castilone 25:01

we don't have to go back there. But it's I, I'm so happy that like, this path exists that I have found towards healing and I'm happy that I'm walking it. And I'm, I'm really grateful to the, you know, the painful messages that I did here because I don't think that I would be, you know, sitting here right now and like doing the work that I'm doing in the world if it wasn't for all that conditioning, and all those false, you know, false beliefs.

Maryann Samreth 25:28

Yeah, definitely. And, and pain is just part of the human experience. And we do we always have a choice in whether we sit in the suffering of pain, or we just sit with it in general look at it as is and let it just pass. And I think like you are able to get to that place by honoring your body, you just embrace the pain and then let it pass and know that it will probably come up again.

Amanda Castilone 25:51

Yeah, I had so funny that you say that because I had, you know, I just went to Peru and I sat with ayahuasca and to ceremonies. I really want to do that. Yeah, gosh, I mean, it's, it was the most challenging experience of my life. And Tommy, tell me more I really was like, I mean, one of the main things that I gathered was was what you were just saying, as well, but like I had a visceral, deep embodied understanding of it. And it's I had a I was brought into like a very deep relationship, intimate relationship with my pain. And I was feeling a lot of it physically in my body, not emotional pain, not like heart ache, like physical pain.

Maryann Samreth 26:35

Right? Like you're purging the pain out out of your body.

Amanda Castilone 26:38

Well, in order to I had to be in relationship and really be in the pain in order for it to purge so I was on the verge of a purge for over an hour. And it was like, every time I'd be like, Oh my god, this is just too much. I'm gonna lay down it would like, some thing would like lifted me up and I'd be like, over my bucket again. And I'd be like, Okay, here we are. And I had to like really be present with it. And so that first night I really did i did i Oh, God, the purge was like something I've just never experienced, like, it was so hard. And really uncomfortable. But the next night, like it was two nights in a row, and the next night, like that whole experience with my pain amongst so much else that happened. I the next night, I felt the pain again, and I was like, wait a minute, like, after a while of kind of struggling with it. I was like, You know what, I already felt this yesterday, I gave my pain, the attention that it deserves. Because that's my biggest thing is that I never want to bypass physical, the physical sensation in my body. First of what I do is I'm like I do not want to avoid, I do not want to bypass my emotions at all. And so I was like, but that can that can actually really get us into a place of suffering and continuing to stay in it and to continue to surrender into pain and and then then all we experienced this pain. I was like, what do I really want this experience to be like, right now I was like, I want to be joy. That's what I really want. And I was like, okay, pain, I feel you. I know that you're there. I love you. I know that you, you know, you're hurting. And I really felt you yesterday. And I know every day is different. And I just felt you for the past hour. And I'm not going to ignore you. But I am I going to get up and I'm going to dance and I'm going to move my body and you can come with me. And so I danced for four hours with my pain. And this was a not a traditional Ayahuasca ceremony. Like where you're sitting in darkness by yourself. That's with no music, there was the tribe that I was with was playing music all night long of me could move after a while and dance, no talk to you about have have like our own experience. And so I was I just decided that that's what I wanted to have. And the biggest download that came from that was that joy is not the absence of pain, joy is a choice. So I chose joy. Even though I felt pain in my body, and it was just profound. Wow,

Maryann Samreth 28:57

I have goosebumps. It's yeah, just as suffering is a choice. So is joy. And when you're healing trauma, or whatever you want to call it doesn't have to be called trauma, but whatever your healing journey is, it doesn't have to be within suffering the entire time. You can go back into the real world and have joy and then go back into the wound and feel your feelings. And I think that's that's so wow, like that was your experience you had like a frickin like human experience within like that. However, a long Ayahuasca session that sounds really incredible what is what is iOS got I don't even know if I'm saying I Wasco

Amanda Castilone 29:33

it's a vine and it grows in the rainforest in South America. It's a vine in a plant there's other parts of it that to go in but the the main part from my understanding I'm new to this new to this medicine anyways. Is that it's a vine and it then gets I'm not even quite sure I would love to actually like make it one day with it as part of the experience but I think it gets it comes in like a tea but it's not like a hot tea and it's not liquidy it's actually very thick. And it was quite room temperature. So yeah, but they call it the tea and it's mixed with other plants that help bring out the properties of the Ayahuasca from what I understand. Yeah. My first taste of it, I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. Like it tasted delicious learn after your, you know, fourth cup, you're like a rush. To my mind is the worst. But it's always like the medicine is going to help you tastes the worst. Yeah. And when you need it,

Maryann Samreth 30:30

right? How did you know you are ready for iOS? Good, because I know, it's like something that you kind of have to work up towards. Right.

Amanda Castilone 30:36

I mean, I, I personally would agree with that. I think that in general, though, like you, it's like a calling it finds the opportunity finds you. The person invites you like, whatever it is, like when you're really ready, like it will be there. I had been feeling it for like, two, three years doing plant medicine before it actually like really came into my life. And so I knew I was ready because I've been working with iOS in a different form in a different way. And other plant medicines for the last two and a half years. And through me understanding how to navigate the field, which oh my gosh, I'm still learning definitely. And navigate my own experience and my own body and all of that through through that the past two and half years of this, of experiencing this i something in me when I was asked if I wanted to go to Peru was like, Oh, I'm definitely ready. I'm doing like it was a full body. Yes. And I obviously knew what was happening there. Right, for ceremonies of three different medicines. So yeah, I guess it's just like anything else. You feel it in your body. And you just know, you just know that you're ready. And then I'll say that the fear is never without fear. Yeah, fear, and there's fear and noise there. But there's also fear and readiness. And I had like, I had fear. And it was like it was not like a this is not a good idea. Fear. It was like, oh, man, my life is going to change for fear.

Maryann Samreth 32:05

Yeah. So what were some of the life changing moments that you had, besides the joy and suffering as a choice? Were there any other revelations you had during the trip?

Amanda Castilone 32:14

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, yes. Well, wow. I mean, the other part that we had, we've already talked about that I mentioned here was like that pendulum swing back and forth of pain to pleasure. And I very much had that experience where I would be like, in such deep pain and be like, no, no, I'm going to Okay, and then be like, Oh, it would be so much pleasure. And when my eyes were closed, it would be like, I could just surrender fully to the pleasure and that became painful. It was so pleasurable that it was painful. Wow, it was like this. And I was just feeling that. Like, it was absolutely like, it was mind blowing, like the line between pain and pleasure was was so blurred that I say, Yeah, I can't even remember in the LADSPA fascinating, it was so blurred, and I really like understand now how like, there's things such things as like orgasmic birth because it is such a it's such a mind state and preparation and like, surrender and acceptance and all of it. So that that piece and then I mean, I went there. First of all, it was just like I just knew I had to go without like, super, super, super clear intention. But as I started to, to get closer, I was like, I want to know, like, what's next for me? What what what am I? How am I meant to serve the world? How am I meant to reach more people like I was really focused on like, the work that I do. And I also really wanted to heal my womb space because I have really painful periods. And so, of course, I got my period, the date the day of the first Ayahuasca ceremony, so I was like, Okay, I really understand what's happening here. I'm meant to like really under go into this pain in a different way. And so I did and I got a lot of downloads the first night around some of the things that I've been experiencing physically and what to do about that. And then the second night I was able to drop in to my like, actually connect with my uterus and actually like my womb space, but specifically like my uterus and I it was like an unspoken question but I went in and I like I kept trying to remember like, what that was the like, and I I asked her like, what what is this pain like why are you in so much pain? And I am going to say that I heard but it wasn't a hearing it was like it just a note like a knowing so just went into my like, and I was I was like oh my god, but it was she said she told me that this this pain is like me her my uterus yearning for a child.

Maryann Samreth 34:53

Oh, wow.

Amanda Castilone 34:55

And I was like it. It just So I had a reflection, there's so much that happened before this in the first ceremony as well. But very quickly, I started to realize that what's actually next for me is having a child and becoming a mother. And I went into straight up panic mode, not in that moment, but like, it was like, my eyes were as wide as they could possibly be, like, I was just staring at a ghost for like, five hours. And then I started to get into the whole fear around, like, I'm gonna lose my freedom, and I don't want to change my life. I love my life so much, and my business is doing so well. And like I have working with the best people and like, how do I, how do I pull away from this? And actually, like, go through this. I was like, planning for two years from now to have my first 33 And I was like, Yeah, I'm great. 35 Sounds great. Yeah. Like, cool. That'll give me so much time to like, set myself up and my husband to all like all of the, all of that. So I was really in fear mode, like it brought up I brought up a lot of fear and unsafety and not readiness, but but that's just energy that was brought up what's actually, it's not actually true. And so and the integration of this, I'm realizing that you know, that's just something that I'm I need to sit with and clear, but I am actually really ready, which is wild. This is such a such an like something that years ago, I was always just like, Oh my God, I want to be so bad. I'm so ready. I want to do this. And then something shifted where it was like, a new spin, like almost away. And so the to bring this full circle, like what I what I now understand is that, you know, I'm in this phase, which I think I know we all go through where I don't feel fully like I'm in my woman and like full divine feminine and like that Britney Spears song not a girl that Yeah.

Maryann Samreth 36:59

That's all of us. Yeah, and

Amanda Castilone 37:01

so but I but I, but I have this like I can, like, touch her and like it can feel who she is so clearly, but like, it's not like here in my body yet. And so I realized I was like, How come though there are other women that aren't mothers that I'm like, Oh my God, that's a woman like I can feel that woman archetype and energy and like just all of that in her and I was like, Oh my God. It's because my path, like my soul path in this life is to be a mom. And so for me to access my divine feminine leadership, my queen, my my woman, it requires me to be a mother first. Like, that is the passage that is the portal into that. And so then one of the women that I was there with what gave me a reflection, she was like, you will just it will just, it's like an energetic frequency download and just be like we should, when, when this happens. And so I can even say on the like, periphery of this. So I'm feeling so much of it. Like I've got some serious boundaries that I'm starting to set with family, and myself and like how I'm caring for myself and how I'm showing up for myself even more than I already have been in. It's like, I couldn't really, I couldn't really feel how this is what's next for me and that it's Yeah, and it's like the the parallels between my husband and I like him and fully stepping into his team and his like, his man is tied to each other. And so yeah, here we are, and it's like it's curl it's, I can talk about it so freely and openly and the part of me that is afraid is she's getting love. And she you know, is not it's not as loud because I've really been just working through this and yeah, so 2022 I think wow,

Maryann Samreth 38:59

oh my gosh, I'm getting goosebumps that crazy and that's a huge revelation.

Amanda Castilone 39:05

I mean, I just had no idea going into this this is what was going to come out like I mean like truly life changing like my whole life

Maryann Samreth 39:16

is Yeah, that's a huge breakthrough. Like holy shit. Wow. And I just saw I just learned about period trauma has Period Pain always been a big part of your life.

Amanda Castilone 39:27

Well, that's the thing not not in the beginning. And so it almost was like in childbearing years like when I was with my partner I think my body knew that like I was going to be with my husband it was like oh, let go like five years ago. I can't I it gets really blurry and foggy around this but I I don't I think the started like within the last five, six years. Five years maybe and so No, it hasn't always been my experience which is so interesting, but I was on the pill and all of that which just kind of creates a lot of trauma. I think Can our bodies right? Yeah, that's what I'm

Maryann Samreth 40:01

hearing that too. I'm like, I need to go off the pill and learn about my period. Because I don't know anything about that. But that is that is

Amanda Castilone 40:09

yeah, totally, I think that's a really big part of this journey into like, you know, device like your your your woman is around reclaiming your, your period your cycle, because there's so many ways to mean, it's been eight years with my husband, and I am not on any form of birth control at all whatsoever. And we don't use any type of anything. And there is intention, there's a tension. Yeah, fucking there's knowing your body. And so yeah, I think it's really, really, really important. And yeah, there's just there's just other ways. It's just like anything else in our kind of like society, Western medical was Western medicine is, there's always another way, I believe, maybe not always been in this situation, I think we can, depending on who you are, and your body and what else is happening and your relationship status and all that if the if it all kind of fits there. Yeah, coming off of it can be a really, really profound experience. Yeah,

Maryann Samreth 41:09

no, I'm seeing a pattern like you're probably like the fifth person I met that is not taking birth control anymore. And when we remove birth, one, because I'm still taking it, but now after this conversation, maybe I'll stop. But when you remove birth control, then you're kind of forced to learn about your body. And if you have a partner, you're you're you have to, you know, understand, you know, like your cycle. And when you can, you know, like when to not have sex when you don't, if you don't want to bear children, you know. So taking that away, like

Amanda Castilone 41:35

such a gift to really, really understand yourself. Yeah, and I mean, for women so much, our period is like a report card. And when you're on birth control, you don't really get you don't really get that report card, it's not accurate, because it's just break through. And so you don't know what your hormones are really doing. And if having children is in your future at all, like your hormones have to be regulated. And so to understand, yeah, I think that's why people underestimate how much time sometimes it can take coming off of birth control to get pregnant, and everybody has totally different their stories on both sides of that. But I just know what it does to the liver. And there's a lot that the liver has to process with birth control that it's not, yeah, not necessary. It's not helpful. And it takes some time to detox to liver after that, which of course, is part of your whole body system. So yeah.

Maryann Samreth 42:29

So fascinating. That

Amanda Castilone 42:31

works in look into for yourself, for sure. Yeah, definitely.

Maryann Samreth 42:34

And I'd love to talk more about that. But I do want to talk about your your relationship with your husband, because I know that you know, relationships are our mirrors. And like, when we have had a chaotic, you know, childhoods, it's really hard to cultivate safety within us to then find a partner to make us feel safe. And you mentioned that, like, he tells you all the time, like, you look amazing, you look great. And sometimes we need that validation, we need someone to see us and remind us that we need to see ourselves in the same way. And can you just talk about your your marriage or relationship your journey to to cultivating safety within within your relationship?

Amanda Castilone 43:13

Yeah, I mean, it that that piece actually has always been there, like he just is I so my, my childhood was very chaotic. I'm learning and remembering and realizing, and my dad is, has narcissistic tendencies. And in all of that, and my partner is the complete opposite. And actually, everyone I've dated, I've never, you know, the pattern is like, if you're, if your father is, is has these qualities, and you tend to like gravitate towards them and your partner, because of course, there that means that you can that's there for you to heal that relationship in your life. And so, no, I don't know what happened. But why even is none of that at all, it's ever the most secure and safe, like attachment that I've ever ever been with. And if anything, we both tend towards anxious, which is like so different. It's not just not normal. It's not normal for that. But yeah, he's just always been so safe and so loving he, I think it's he just knew from literally like day one that like I was it. And he has taught he told me that many times and like he just knew like he he had an intuitive feeling. And he knew he knew that and so he I lived in Argentina. Shortly after we met, I was teaching English as a foreign language. And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm not going to not go because of you have done that song and dance before. You know more go and I'm like, left miserable. And I'm like, I'm not going to hold back. So I went and it was excruciating to leave. Oh God. And then two months later, he was like, I can't do this. I'm coming. I'm coming there and to Argentina.

Maryann Samreth 44:58

You Yeah,

Amanda Castilone 45:02

I'm coming in, because I know if I don't, I'm gonna lose you. And I was like, Holy shit, this is way more serious than I thought like, I knew at that point to like this. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I knew I just knew that this was it. And so he lived with me for we lived together there with an Argentine roommate that I was living with that story. For two, three months, three months and four months, I don't remember at this point, but a while together after we knew each other for three months. And two of those months were away. Yeah, so we did that we traveled all around South America together, actually, we went to Peru and did the four day Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. And I just went back and like that was just such a cool full circle moment. Yeah. And then we came back here, or I came back to the States, and we were living in our hometown Buffalo, New York. And then I was like, I gotta get out of here. No, I can't live here. And he's like, Okay, let's go, like wherever you want to go. I'll go. And so we drove to California together. And then yeah, we've been together ever since. But I think there was always a part of me that like resisted his love and his like, support and safety and like, couldn't couldn't take couldn't receive what you asked me because I didn't trust it, or I really didn't believe I was worthy of it. And so that's a big one. Yeah, working on my own self worth, like I now now that part, I know that I'm worthy of it. And now it's more about surrendering into the safety that's here, but but I had to really come into my own grounding, and my own safety inside of my body inside of myself before I could actually allow the safety that was here to like, before I could receive that. And so of course, I had to match that inside of myself in order to be feel comfortable doing it. And this is still such a process and a journey. I'm really working on sharing more with him about what I'm going through, because I had a belief growing up because I really felt like I was on my own for a lot of things. I just figure it all out, I had to do everything myself in order, like literally to survive. And so I'll be going through all of this stuff and have my coaches and the people that I talked to about it, but not really share as much as like he would want me to with him and as much as I really would want to to and so it's a it's kind of what I'm working on now is like really letting him in, in a way that I never really have before.

Maryann Samreth 47:38

Yeah, because that's what you needed. When you're a kid you needed someone to be able to access those parts of you that that were untouched it so it makes a lot of sense. And I myself, I'm going through the same thing, like I do my own healing ship separately, then I come back in and I'm like, sometimes I'm like, am I performing? Because he doesn't get to see the shadow. But even if he knows it's there, so it's all right. And

Amanda Castilone 48:02

he can they can see the shadow. I mean, he can

Maryann Samreth 48:07

he can't see it like no, they definitely.

Amanda Castilone 48:10

Yeah, for sure. And I mean, yeah, it's it's a journey. It's a process. And I think the most important thing for me is he's like fully here for it. And doing his own work as well. And he comes to medicine ceremonies with me, too, which in that does them on his own and really is doing a lot of this for himself. And his journey is totally different than mine. And for a long time, I was like, you need to do more like you were you're not doing anything and I wouldn't get on him and nag him about like meditating or reading this book or doing something to know himself. And he, you know, just wasn't there. And then it wasn't until I just really sunk in for me for me that he was like, Wait, you're different, like what's going on? And like, can I come to that? Can I read that book when you're done? And what are you doing now? And so it was like a natural interest just happened and I had no idea that that's what would happen. I was just like, so committed to it for myself. Yeah,

Maryann Samreth 49:08

he's that's like you guys growing together. Like he wants to meet you where you're at. And I think that's so beautiful. Yeah, totally.

Amanda Castilone 49:14

It's amazing.

Maryann Samreth 49:15

Yeah. What was like, how did you embody worthiness because I see a lot of people like go through to go through that. And also, like one of my viral Tiktok videos was about being unable to receive love from like a secure partner because I feel unworthy. So what was your process of embodying like truly embodying or worthiness because we could tell ourselves already we can write it down but for not fully feeling it? It's so hard to receive love from someone

Amanda Castilone 49:41

definitely. In this is a process and it is a journey but the actual key is not to embody worthiness it's to embody your your unworthiness, and to really let that be there and all of its painful, Missy glory and a practice and when you're feeling it Not to avoid it to actually recognize that you're there every single time and to say, I see you and I know that you're hurting, I see you and I know that you're hurting. And I'm here and show me where you feel that like feel that in your body. And so it's it was continuously showing up for the parts of me that were hurting, that allowed me to accept all of myself, because when I dropped into those parts, I realized there was nothing to be afraid of, and I could fully accept who I am. Because there is nothing, there's nothing secret, you know, when of course, this is at my current level of consciousness, and there's always going to be more. But as of this point, in my journey, it was really letting myself feel the unworthiness and knowing that just by feeling, it doesn't mean that it's true, but knowing that it gets coming up, so that it that part of me can be acknowledged, can be felt, can be seen. And then of course, it releases. And the other side of that is the pleasure, which is feeling worthy.

Maryann Samreth 50:58

Damn, that was so good that I mean, that just all goes back to like that fully embracing pain. So you can fully embrace, embrace pleasure. And it just, it's

Amanda Castilone 51:09

really like, even for me, it's so much deeper than that. It's like, knowing yourself requires you to know, all of the parts. And if this is our goal is to feel, I believe everyone who does this work wants to feel whole and like we can't feel whole if we keep a part of the whole out. And so we have to know, we have to feel them, we have to feel all of those parts. And in a safe way, like I was held through this, and this is what I held, hold my clients through because we need we need container and also something really important for I think, like your listeners and you even to to, to just know is and you may already know this, but trauma that has been created like in bond like in a group or with another has to be healed with another so you can't heal that alone. Like they're the witness of having someone hold space for you and see you there and witness you through that is actually part of medicine a big part of the medicine.

Maryann Samreth 52:10

Yeah, it's true. We break in relationships, and we heal through relationships. It's important. We're not meant to go at this journey alone. It's too much. It's not possible.

Amanda Castilone 52:20

It's not totally Yeah,

Maryann Samreth 52:23

yeah, that's a Yeah, so many juicy stuff. In this episode. I always love talking to you. And this is why we get along so well. This is why you're one of my co leads because we we both understand we have to you know, give those parts of ourselves that everyone wants to hide, you know, those fears of abandonment, those fears of unworthiness, those fears of being unloved, we have to give it attention and and nourishment and not pull it away from us because they are a part of us. That's so true.

Amanda Castilone 52:50

And the other piece of that is if we don't show up for them, and so say one of our deepest fears is, is abandonment. And we don't show up for the part of us that feels abandoned. We're just continuing to abandon ourselves. And it's just perpetuating that feeling. Yes, she actually doesn't want to be seen or felt or heard by anyone outside of us. She's reaching out saying see me feel me helped me love me, to you, for you to look at her. And then what happens so often is we hear that we feel that Oh God, I need to be seen and we reach outside of ourselves. But the actual, the truth of that is that it's asking for us to slow down and see and feel and be with that part.

Maryann Samreth 53:29

Yeah, that's that's like that's our inner child, those wounded parts of us. It's a little child inside of us. So when we picture it like that, then why would we turn away from it? If it's screaming for help, and in wanting love and intention you give those parts of you the love that it's always deserved a so important to to give your present love to you to your inner child to your past versions of you. Yes. So important. Well, I have two final questions for you. First one is What do you wish the world has more of?

Amanda Castilone 54:00

Oh, my God, I could answer this with something.

Maryann Samreth 54:03

Yeah, go ahead. We can go over time.

Amanda Castilone 54:05

I mean, the first thing that comes to my mind is compassion. The very, very first thing and like self compassion first, because that's actually the only way we could have true compassion for another is if we have it for ourselves. I wish the more people like had access to plant medicine. Yeah. I think the world has has an abundance of it. I think I wish that we were more people were on this path.

Maryann Samreth 54:32

And it was legal in the US. Yeah, I mean, there's there's ways around it.

Amanda Castilone 54:39

Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, this is so cliche but just for what I know what I'm learning even on just such like an energetic and deeper level is is I wish I wish that everyone could feel and actually tap into love like what it really is. I wish that the world had more Our true unconditional love and that people could feel that love inside of themselves. Because when we can feel the Divinity, the love inside of ourselves, when we can recognize God within us, we can recognize it within everyone else. And if we could do that for ourselves, and then each other, like so much of what is happening right now just wouldn't be happening.

Maryann Samreth 55:22

Yeah, that is powerful. What What is one thing you would say to someone that needs self love and doesn't know how to get it?

Amanda Castilone 55:29

This? You're not meant to do that on your own? Like, really? I mean, of course, there are ways and I would say the first thing is start to feel your feelings. But if that becomes challenging you, you're, you're you deserve to be held through that process. It's life changing, completely and totally life changing.

Maryann Samreth 55:48

Yeah, I think that's a big, that's a good point you make because there's, you know, a lot of stigma that you have to be fully healed to be in a relationship. And that's just not true.

Amanda Castilone 55:57

No, I've been in a relationship for eight years and in start truly healing past five years. Some people are meant to do it alone, I fully believe it or parts, a big chunk of it on their own. And some people are meant to heal in relationship. And I was just someone who was meant to heal in relationship. And there's no right or wrong, but yeah,

Maryann Samreth 56:16

so how can my listeners follow you work with you? Any upcoming offers? You have? Oh,

Amanda Castilone 56:22

yes. So I, I have not been on Instagram since January of 2021. Oh, my

Maryann Samreth 56:29

God, congrats. I am really, I want to do that.

Amanda Castilone 56:33

It's really what like, changed everything in my life and my business. I'm like, on a waitlist. And I have the most amazing, beautiful, perfect clients. And I'm not putting anything out on social media. And I'm just really working on my energetics and really living the life live in them that that just I had no idea that that's what was going to happen. But I just knew that I needed to get myself out of there. Because it just it wasn't feeling right. For me. You're not missing

Maryann Samreth 56:58

out. There's just more things that you have to do to get on the algorithm. So good. Early.

Amanda Castilone 57:04

Yeah. And I don't miss it at all. So I thought I would it's just been a pretty one. That alone has been a wild journey. But they can follow me because you know, I'm sure at some point maybe yeah. Get on your newsletter. Yeah, yeah. So my newsletter, which also though, to be completely honest, I haven't been sending, I'm telling you, I haven't been like outputting very much. I'm just, I'm meeting with people in person. And I'm having conversations. Oh, that's somebody's workshops, and I'm doing all these things. And so like, it's a lot of word of mouth, at this point for people who are who are seeking out my support, which is always been my dream because I really believe in that ripple effect of like, the if we have like clusters of people that are healing, then it's like, just when it keeps going and going and going. Definitely so awesome. But my website is Amanda cast alone.com. My Instagram is just Amanda cast alone. And they can definitely sign up for a newsletter because I do have some things really amazing coming in 2022 I'm creating something really special a membership community a little different than I guess what perhaps might already be out there. But that's going to be starting in 2022 as well. So there's a lot coming. And then if anyone is interested and one on one support, they can email me and we can talk about it.

Maryann Samreth 58:18

Yeah, sounds great. I'll put everything in the show notes. So not to worry. Everything will be there for you guys to follow a contact and work with Amanda. So thank you so much for coming on my show. This was an amazing so like mind blowing episode, like everything we talked about. I'm just like, who else has gone through this? That is talking about it? Like no one so thank you so much for for sharing your story for sharing your healing journey with me. My I know, like so many people are gonna get so much so much out of this.

Amanda Castilone 58:49

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me like and for providing this platform for this even be possible. I love I love the work that you're doing too. It's it's so so awesome. So thank you so much. Of course thank

Maryann Samreth 59:01

you

we all have a story to tell. And I want to thank you for listening to Amanda's journey. To work with Amanda I email her at Amanda at Amanda cast alone.com Or follow her on Instagram because she's back on Instagram as bold as ever. At Amanda cast alone. You can also join her membership community called sacred space. And I'll include all of this in the show notes so you guys can connect with her. If you liked this episode, please like, subscribe and leave me a review to keep this podcast going. I want to thank you all for being here. I'm MaryAnn trauma and for Mummer writing coach and founder of sincerely Miss Mary. You can follow me at sincerely Miss Mary on Instagram and Tiktok for more content about healing trauma and memoir right saying, if you need a jumpstart on your memory training book, a 90 minute intensive session with me, where I help you write the first chapter of your memoir, teach you the proven storytelling method I use for all of my clients and for myself in my own memoir, and I guide you step by step to becoming the author of your dreams. Go to www dot sincerely Miss married.com/memoir momentum. I hope you enjoyed this episode and you start building a practice of self love. Love is very abundant, and it's something that we all deserve. I hope you guys all have a beautiful day

Transcribed by https://otter.ai