Joy Is Not the Absence of Pain, Joy Is A Choice

When Amanda Castilone, somatic trauma-informed embodiment coach, spoke those words on my podcast, I felt the most significant relief release from my body.

Last fall, I began healing childhood trauma by doing rounds of EMDR and neurofeedback, leaving me with the revelation that I had spent the majority of my life dissociating from the present.

“I don’t know where in my life I ever felt joy,” I told my therapist in a session after learning the news about my dissociation.

She assured me I did have these pockets of joy throughout my life, and I will be able to look back someday and see that joy was always there in my life…even in the midst of chaos and abuse…joy prevailed.

So after hearing Amanda speak about joy on this week’s episode of Mental Breakthrough Podcast, I was able to feel empowered to reclaim what was lost for the majority of my life.

I realized joy is a choice and how special it is to know we have the freedom to bring more love into our lives…after all the process of feeling joy and love is also surrendering and receiving.

Joy was always there for me.

It was in the form of hope.

It was in the form of spaciousness after leaving an abusive relationship in 2019.

It was in the moments of closing my eyes and seeing my future self falling in love again with someone who made me feel safe.

Joy is taking a moment to acknowledge the pocket of good things in our lives while not turning away from pain.

Because remember, our human bodies have the capacity to hold more than one emotion, we just have to learn to feel each one through to completion, especially uncomfortable ones.

The process of writing my memoir allows me to complete the emotions that come with reliving painful moments of the past. I sit with feelings of rage, sadness, and shame long enough to let them pass through my body. And what comes after is the light.

This process I like to call permission to feel with my clients is what I recently went through writing about the chaos of finding a new apartment in NYC after my abusive ex left me.

I remember having to frantically search for a new place to live by myself and feeling so much fear and anxiety about going through this process alone.

And then during my 5th apartment search in a week, I found my perfect place on the Upper East Side.

My broker leads me to a tree-lined street along the East River, and up we walk 5 flights of stairs to a tiny studio.

I stepped into the space as sunlight filled the entire room. I knew this place was mine even though applications had been submitted to this place, I had a gut feeling it would work out.

So much so, I visited this studio 3 more times that day, before shooting my application shot, so I could remember the feeling of home in my body.

I loved how this place made me feel and I wanted to savor it before going back to the reality that I still lived with my abuser and was urgently in search of a new place to escape him.

In this dark chapter of my life, I had moments where there was joy. Joy in finding my new home. Joy in meeting wholesome brokers in NYC (this is rare). Joy in seeing a tree-lined street with green framed windows reminded me of Europe.

Joy was there in my darkest moments because I was never meant to live a life of eternal suffering, I was meant to receive love, peace, and safety from the universe. I see that now as I connect the dots in my life within my memoir writing process.

And I wish this for you too in your memoir writing journey.

This is how I guide all clients in reliving painful memories…We do it together with spaciousness, agency, and the freedom of choice.

To create a compelling story of your life where you know the ending because you survived unbearable moments.

I help you look back at your past and realize the universe was on your side and hope was all around you.

Memoir writing is unraveling your heart to release the pain that was tightly woven with past wounds.

We let the light in by knowing we have a choice in the way we make meaning of our past.

So you can remember that joy is not the absence of pain but a reclaiming of love.

If you’re ready to write your memoir and work with me, book a clarity call here.

Sincerely,

Mary

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