S1:E12: I Am Worthy of A Love That Feels Like Home

This is my love story. a current chapter of my life.

Transcript

Intro:
Welcome to Mental Breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity.

I’m Maryann Samreth, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again.

In this season, I carry you moment to moment, starting with a tumultuous breakup, then multiple breakdowns, and eventually a breakthrough.

I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors and break the cycle of generational trauma.

There is power in storytelling and sharing our vulnerabilities with the world. It opens doors to cultivate deeper connections with others on the same journey so we can heal as a collective.

By sharing my truths, I pave the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell. Stories that can be someone’s silver lining. Stories of hope.

Episode Intro:

In today’s episode, I’m going to share a story from a chapter of my life. A few weeks ago I was challenged to write a happy story in my memoir class. I’ve only written trauma stories. It’s easier for me to write and share vulnerable stories because I almost feel unworthy to write and share my joy. It’s almost more vulnerable for me.

This is my love story of attracting a love that feels like home.

 I wanted to take a break from sharing the dark shadows of my tumultuous breakup because the story does get worse….and share this current climate of my life as a reminder that you are worthy of a love that feels like home.

Worthiness was something I never felt in my past relationship.

It was a narrative I told myself before I entered a toxic relationship…I didn’t have a lot of confidence or a high-self-esteem because I wasn’t ready to know who I was. 

I wasn’t ready to see my potential.

I wasn’t ready to see what I deserved.

I wasn’t ready to feel worthy of all the good things in life.

So, I attracted the wrong relationship that fed my narrative of being unworthy of love.

What I received in that relationship was an unhealthy response of someone who didn’t know how to love anyone including themselves.

I didn’t believe I deserved more, so I stayed for way too long in something toxic and nourished the wrong story where I’d never have a happy ending. 

Unworthiness was the root of my trauma.

Unworthiness was what kept me stuck in that abuse cycle.

Unworthiness was what kept me powerless because it was an emotional trauma imprinted in my body from past experiences, from generational and ancestral trauma, from a story I told myself at a young age…

This belief turned into a psychological term called re-enactment, when you re-enact a traumatic event you haven’t healed from...or from complex trauma which means experiencing prolonged trauma.

This belief of unworthiness is what made me what made me attracted to narcissistic men.

Someone with high narcissistic traits is in survival mode.

They will do anything to cause harm to people they claim to love to protect their fragile ego.

They will hurt anyone and do anything so they can continue to distract themselves from the pain they feel inside.

They will make you feel unworthy in the most horrific, painful, and heartbreaking ways to the point where you believe this is what you deserve.

When you leave a relationship like this, whether you were broken up with or they broke up with you, you made a step towards healing, and you should be proud of yourself.

You are strong.

You are resilient.

Walking away from someone who caused you trauma is one step closer to a new narrative where you are worthy. The process of healing from narcissistic abuse is the process of becoming the person who is worthy of all good things…but you first have to address your fear of worthiness..which will be incredibly uncomfortable.

The fear of worthiness was my thief of joy, peace, and attracting a love that felt like home…until now…

After nearly 2 years of being actively single…what I mean by actively single is that I did not date or have any romantic interactions with men. I chose to spend those years healing by dating myself, learning about myself, shedding toxic traits of codependency and people pleasing, and honestly building a life of knowing what I wanted and what I deserved.

I got to a place where I no longer needed a partner…but I was curious about finding love again. I got to a place where I consciously made a choice to open my heart again and let the universe take care of how it was going to happen.

I believe the unexpectedness of life, the surprises of good things happening to us, are the reasons to be alive today...to fill our lives with moments of joy...This is truly when we feel present in the world, when we feel peace, and sometimes we don’t even notice it happening. To be a witness of your unexpected joy is truly a gift.

One of these gifts is a healthy love.

I was hopeful about love after my breakup, but I knew I’d be okay if I never found it.
I knew I’d be okay if I never fell in love again…and that’s when it happened…I attracted a love who brought me peace in a way I never had in any relationship.
I attracted a love that felt safe, honest, transformative, and abundant.

A love that felt like a mirror of everything I was afraid to have…worthiness…it always comes back to worthiness.
This love had been my everyday reminder that I am worthy of a love that feels like home…and you know what?

You are too.

You are worthy of a love that feels like home.

So here is my first happy story I ever wrote and now I’m going to share.

This is a love story and I hope I can give you faith that the work of healing from heartbreak, trauma, and toxicity is moving you forward to everything you deserve because you are so worthy to have all the happiness you ever want.

Episode 12: I Am Worthy of A Love That Feels Like Home

He danced out of the kitchen and into my living room, which was also my office, recording studio, and bedroom. A typical New York City space now filled with the aura of an unapologetic man who would do anything to make me smile, hear me laugh, and make me safe.

He takes my hand, pulls me off my ¼ sized Ikea couch, and we dance in this present moment of unexpectedness. The unexpectedness is where I feel the most alive. It evokes a feeling in the space between the past and present. This feeling is quick, forgetful, and like a jolt. A trigger is what they call it. But this trigger did not take me back to disparity, loneliness, or regret. This trigger took me to a happy place where I fell in love with a universal, sometimes involuntary movement that occurs when we hear a sick beat...dance.

I go back in time to when I was 14 years old and getting dropped off at my best friend’s house. As I walk into the house, I hear music blasting as I go downstairs to the family room, and my social anxiety’s worst nightmare was witnessing a dance party.

My two best friends, Nilly and Raquel, danced like they didn’t give a fuck who was and who wasn’t watching. They danced hard, fearlessly, and without hesitation.

Hips swinging. Arms flailing. Legs twitching.

I was so uncomfortable. I hate dancing, but I was always so self-conscious. I was that girl shyly dancing in the corner at homecoming dances and with an awkward step left and right and wanting to die from embarrassment.

However, at this moment, I had no choice because what I was witnessing was two girls having fun, and I could either be lame and not have fun or look like an idiot and have the best time of my life.

After a few seconds of hesitation, I jumped into the dance party. I closed my eyes. I swung my arms. I pumped to the beat. I danced.

We’re all dancing.
We’re all soaring.
We’re all free.

I never knew my body could move this way once I ripped apart my fear of what I looked like. To dance was the most powerful form of self-expression. No one could judge me for how I moved my hips, legs, or arms because my choice in the way I move belonged to me only.

To be in a space with the other girls who felt the same way brought us closer together. To dance like you don’t care was to be ourselves without fear. I have never felt so at home with other girls who felt the same way. At 14 years old, with unlimited dance moves, we felt unstoppable.

Flash forward to the present, I am dancing with a man who’s beginning to make me feel at home. The nostalgia is strong as we danced like fools under the morning sun. My arms wrapped behind his neck. He smiles, lights up my smile, and time may have frozen because nothing matters.

We laugh like no one is watching.

We laugh like no one is watching.

We sing like no one is watching.

We dance like no one is watching.

We simply just exist for each other, and that was enough.

This moment is better than any dream I’ve had because this is my reality. This is my love story. This is my truth. This is my moment.

I deserve this moment.

I am worthy of this moment.

I am abundant in the moments that bring me joy, and I never want to stop dancing.

Outro:

We all have a story to tell and I want to thank you for listening to mine. I’m Maryann, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary.

I hope this love story has uplifted you in some way and I want to thank all for supporting me. I want to remind you that I am where I am today and was able to attract this love into my life because of the support system I have of therapy, life coaches, and relationship experts. You can have everything you want and it’s okay to seek professional help to get there...that’s what I did..My list of mental health professionals will be in my shownotes.

If you liked this episode please leave me a review. You can follow me on TikTok and Instagram @sincerelymissmary and download my free breakup workbook that also works for friend breakups, link is also in shownotes.

I will talk to you all next week.