S1:E22: An Unexpected Ally
In this season finale, i tell the story of My ex’s ex-girlfriend reaching out to me, with the 3 most powerful words, i believe tou.
Transcript
Intro:
Welcome to Mental Breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity.
I’m Maryann Samreth, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again.
In this season, I carry you moment to moment, starting with a tumultuous breakup, then multiple breakdowns, and eventually a breakthrough.
I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors and break the cycle of generational trauma.
There is power in storytelling and sharing our vulnerabilities with the world. It opens doors to cultivate deeper connections with others on the same journey so we can heal as a collective.
By sharing my truths, I pave the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell. Stories that can be someone’s silver lining. Stories of hope.
Episode Intro:
In this final episode of season 1 of Mental Breakthrough, I tell my story of a woman who sent me a fb message a year after my breakup with my abusive ex and said 3 powerful words, "I believe you." This woman was someone who knew my ex as well as I did, she was his ex-girlfriend before me.
In this healing encounter with my ex's ex, we exchanged stories of experiencing the same behavior of neglect and devaluation, and were able to give each other the closure we finally deserved.
I never in a million years would think this would happen but I'm so grateful to say that sometimes a woman's best ally against their abuser, is their former ex.
It is powerful when women come together to take down their oppressor.
Woman should support woman.
Woman should validate woman.
Woman should believe woman.
Always.
Episode 22
Healing from narcissistic abuse is an endless cycle of grief. The only way to describe this relationship dynamic, is living in a constant state of invalidation.
Your system is in prolonged survival as you constantly fight to be visible by someone who is committed to making you feel invisible.
This relationship dynamic is insidious and the only people who can truly understand this are those who have been in one.
The effects of prolonged emotional and psychological abuse that occur in relationships are more difficult to treat than trauma from car accidents and natural disasters. There are psychological evidence surrounding the harmful effects of abuse occurring in relationships. This is all in reference to the book, the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
After I escaped by abusive relationship in April 2019, I was left with pieces of my heart shattered in my hands…made to feel like I was in the wrong…however I didn't give in to the effects of the gaslighting because of the hard proof of the emotional truths of my experiences.
For over a year leading up to that breakup, I live journaled my abusive relationships through poetry and posting it on my once anonymous IG account, Sincerely Miss Mary. I would perform my poetry all over NYC at open mic nights. A chapter I share in episode 2, The Reckoning of Sincerely Miss Mary.
This process of writing and storytelling was what I needed to heal myself.
I was in therapy at the time, but studies show that you need creativity to also heal trauma, and that was what writing was for me.
Trauma writing allowed me to move through the grief cycle of the atrocities I faced post-breakup.
I had many nights of screaming in rage of being abandoned by my partner of 5 years, after I publicly condemned his best friend for sexually assaulting me on IG.
I mourned the mass rejection of his friends and family who knew my perpetrator.
I became hysterical after discovering my ex stalked me at the Brooklyn half marathon which I share in episode 17, No One Believes You When Your Ex Stalks You.
2019 was a year of getting emotionally hit, knocked down, and kicked repeatedly by my ex…he was an emotional terrorist and a master manipulator and he got away with all of it because the world he lives in is surrounded with people who are silent & complicit.
My experience with him during the relationship and through the breakup taught me what didn't belong to me.
Him, his friends, and his family do not uphold values in alignment with who I am. Their rejection was a blessing in disguise. It guided me back to myself where I started my journey of radical self-love, the root of healing parts of me I once labeled broken…
My journey lead me to becoming my favorite wedding date, learning how to surf, going to Paris alone, and reconnecting with my Cambodian heritage where I realized I was breaking generational trauma.
I had reached closure with myself by living my best damn life as he paraded his new girlfriend around on social media and in my face, when he stalked me at the half marathon.
He may have believed he won the breakup but the one who is winning is the one who is able to build worthiness within rather than attaching it to someone outside of them.
I had reached a place of peace with the past when a woman messaged me on FB a year post-breakup and turned my self-created closure into justice.
In this message, this woman wrote,
"Hi, you might know of me, or maybe not at all, but I'm your ex's other ex and I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing.
I've read some of your writing, I was always curious about you, and all I can say is:
I believe you, I'm sorry for what you had to go through, but I'm glad it's made you stronger, and I stand with you in solidarity."
I read this message 20 times over…and tears immediately flowed down my face like a river.
I was surfing the waves of complex emotions: shock, excitement, grateful, and an outpouring of relief.
It felt like bricks of trauma was lifted from my chest and my heart…especially when I read the words, "I believe you."
I often thought of my former partner's ex, from when I started dating him. From the moment I met him, he used this narrative of getting dumped by his ex out of the blue, so I would pity him and put him on a codependent pedestal. It worked. He had me hooked from the first couple of years we dated..buying me expensive birthday gifts, paying for my friend's birthday dinner, major love bombing…and eventually it faded into neglect…I could have gone missing and he wouldn't have noticed…and then the abuse started when I confronted him about his best friend sexually assaulting me. He devalued me, silenced me, victim blamed me, diminished my intelligence, my dreams, my ambitions, told me he would never be with me long term, and then flip a switch and convince me he'd change his mind about marriage, when I told him I wanted to leave the relationship. I often wondered about his ex and if she experienced the same emotional rollercoaster of love bombing and devaluation like me…
And now here she was…in my inbox…giving me the answers I'd been wondering about for years.
After bawling my eyes out to sleep and processing her message, I sent her a message back the next day.
"Hi Amy, I do know who you are and I am so happy that you reached out to me because I wanted to do the same. It's safe to say we both dodged a major bullet."
We exchanged messages all day of stories about our shared experiences with our mutual ex's. We both were devalued, made to feel invisible, invalidated, and also fought tooth and nail to get our ex to care about hygiene.
Her experiences with his abusive behavior came after she broke up with him, it's not my story to tell but hers, but we both put the timeline together that when he started sending her hateful text messages after she started a new relationship was also around the same time he met me. He would message her bragging about sleeping with a new woman and making six figures all the while being with me.
I remember we were casually dating that summer and after one random weekend he wanted to rush into being in a relationship. After hearing Amy's story, I realized my relationship was a weapon to use against his ex in rage. I was just an object to boost his ego, a perfect supply.
And that made me realize that his girlfriend now was also his perfect supply. Because two weeks after we broke up, I discovered a pair of blue shorts sitting on my bed perfectly folded. When I confronted him about it. He said that it just got into his laundry and he thought it was mine. I was naive. And I believed him because I didn't want to think that he would start dating someone while we still live together. But it was true. I discovered that he had committed to a relationship two weeks after we broke up, and we still lived in that apartment together. I was in shock when I discovered that and I realized that this girl was also just his new supply to boost his ego. Having these revelations about his malicious intent from the beginning of our elation Chip was heavy on my heart. But what came after was a release. Information is power and knowing his true colors with validation of the only other person who knew him as well as I did gave me peace in the form of justice. I can safely say it was so much gratitude that I am friends with his axe, and we both found a way to heal each other. Amy used to have frequent nightmares breaking up with our mutual ex repeatedly, and they finally stopped when she discovered my trauma essays about her x. I was still grieving over then justices from our exes best friends sexually assaulting me. I even wrote a personal essay calling up the Karen and my life, a friend of my perpetrator who chose his side over mine, and even sent it to her. I told her as a woman you should believe women who condemned their perpetrator and I prayed she does better someday. Amy also knew my perpetrator, they used to be friends. But after reading my stories, she stopped speaking to him completely and condemned his actions. In order for survivor of sexual assault to truly heal from trauma is to be believed and validated from their experiences. The three words she said to me, I believe you healed those wounds. I'll never forget this moment of Amy reaching out to me. It's a healing memory where I felt like the universe was speaking to me and telling me, Hey, you are never wrong in the experiences you endured. You were never wrong. And speaking up for yourself, you are never wrong and condemning your perpetrator.
You are never wrong, to advocate for yourself. advocacy is needed in this world. It's so important for women to support and uplift one another. And I'm so grateful every day that Amy cultivated the courage to reach out to me. I commend her bravery for doing so. And I gift her with these words of poetry.
From one lifetime apart
to one moment together
you became the greatest ally
I never knew I needed
In three powerful words
coated with conviction
you say to me — "I believe you."
In three powerful words
you dived into pieces of my unhealed heart
and stitched closed every opened wound
In three powerful words
you sealed a chapter of my life
locking it closed with the
golden chains of redemption
I may never get an apology from my ex nor do I think he's even capable of ever holding himself accountable and ever taking off his veil of white male privilege…but I don't need it because I received the justice of a female friendship with his ex-girlfriend. This is the type of closure I wish for anyone coming out of a relationship like this.
A few months ago, while cleaning out my apartment to move out of New York City, I discovered an old journal from a year ago, and a letter I wrote to Amy after she reached out to me.
Dear Amy,
I can't imagine what you were thinking and feeling after reading my stories. I hope everything but guilt. Thank you for finding the courage in your heart to reach out to me.
I shacked uncontrollably and cried out of relief and gratitude that someone in Peter's world believed me. All this time I waited for his friends and family to reach out to me.
You were the last person I thought would and honestly it trumps every person I tried to get on my side.
You don't know me or owe me anything, yet you believed me. Thank you.
You healed parts of me I thought I would never get back. You brought pieces of me back and by doing so you are my ally.
A testament of true strength.
I could tell you have a good heart.
You deserve all the goodness you tried to bring to Peter.
The love you gave to him came back to you and it gives me hope the same will happen to me. You are a kind, beautiful soul, thank you for bringing peace into my life.
Love,
Maryann
The words that stuck out to me were "the love you gave to him came back to you and it gives me hope the same will happen to me."
This did happen to me…the love I gave to someone who didn't deserve it came back to me.
It came back as deepening friendships.
It came back as love for me, the most important one of all.
And it came back in nearly 2 years of being single, in a healing relationship with a man who is committed to making me feel loved in the way I always deserved.
My whole entire life was broken open when my ex left me. It led me to break downs after breakdowns after break downs. It unraveled me in the ways I needed to be. So I could rebuild myself up again, in the way where I would be untouchable. It led me to having a breakthrough. That breakup was something that I turned into a chapter of my life.
By writing my stories and sharing with all of you, I made meaning out of the trauma that happened to me, and transformed it into a chapter of my life. So I could move forward as an author of my story, and remind myself that the power is always within me.
Outro:
Thank you for listening to the final episode of Mental Breakthrough. I want to thank you for listening to my trauma stories of season 1. In this season I wrote 20 trauma writing scripts and interviewed 2 amazing Asian American women who tell their story of overcoming trauma.
I hope I have empowered you to transform your trauma into a chapter so you can move forward as the author of your life.
I will be taking a breaking until season 2 to launch my second trauma writing program where I take you through my writing process which is what I used throughout the creation of this podcast.
I take you through an exploration of the emotional truth of your experiences co-lead with trauma informed mental health professionals and coaches.
I will include the link to apply to this program in the show-notes, specifically for my podcast listeners!
I want to thank you all for being here with me and listening to my story. Please remember your story is what makes you extraordinary, and if I have inspired you through my stories, please know you will also do the same when you're ready to share yours!
If you want to keep in touch with me until the next season you can follow me on IG and Tiktok @sincerelymissmary and subscribe to my newsletter at https://www.sincerelymissmary.com/newsletter
Have an amazing summer dear friends and I look forward to releasing season 2 in a couple months!
