S2E42: Healing The Belonging Wound With Inclusive Branding & Leadership Coach, Crystal Whiteaker
Crystal Whiteaker (pronouns: she/her) is an Inclusive Branding and Leadership Development and Consultant specializing in coaching and consulting for brands and leaders that care deeply about diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging.
Crystal Whiteaker (pronouns: she/her) is an Inclusive Branding and Leadership Development and Consultant specializing in coaching and consulting for brands and leaders that care deeply about diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging. Crystal brings over 15 years of creative, relational, process driven experience across multiple industries. She is a self-described "corporate trained, creative hippie” who puts a strong focus on core values to help people elevate their community connections to communicate and lead with clarity and confidence. Crystal is an advocate for leaders and organizations that provide resources and support for healing, particularly in relation to trauma. When she's not working, Crystal enjoys spending time at the beach, connecting with people, and exploring new places.
Fun fact: Crystal LOVES animals and will stop to show them affection any chance she gets. She is that person who will always ask to pet your fur-baby.
When you choose to work with Crystal Lily Creative, you’re helping to support organizations that provide resources for women and the LGBTQ+ community, as a portion of profits and services are donated annually.
(*DEIB: Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging)
IG:
https://www.instagram.com/crystallilycreative/
Website:
https://www.crystallily.co/
Freebie:
https://www.crystallily.co/personal-philosophy-statement
Poetry Video:
https://survivorlit.org/light-from-the-shadows/
Support Sincerely Miss Mary’s latest initiative to bring her trauma-informed writing modalities to schools:
Contribute to her Crowdfunding campaign:
https://ifundwomen.com/projects/sincerely-miss-mary
Select from various campaign rewards from a digital poetry book to Write & Release Workbook, 60-min creative coaching, virtual writing power hour, and more:
https://ifundwomen.com/projects/31082/support/124250#edit-reward-124250
Maryann Samreth 0:00
Welcome to mental breakthrough, a mental health podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories. As a reminder, we are all human. I'm MaryAnn Samreth, trauma writing coach, founder of sincerely Miss Mary and your host. In this season, I bring in healers, coaches, therapists and writers in the mental health and thought leadership space to share their stories of overcoming their shadows, to get to a place where the light shines again. These are trauma survivors, mental health advocates, spiritual guides, coaches, and first and foremost, human beings, reminding us to be softer and kinder to ourselves, so we can then meet others with the same compassion. The power and sharing our truths with the world gives permission for others to feel safe experiencing theirs. As a disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for trauma informed therapy. But as always, you can find mental health resources on my website at www that sincerely, Miss mary.com Hey, everyone, today's final episode of mental breakthrough podcast season is with crystal Whittaker. She is an inclusive branding and leadership development coach for leaders who want to deepen their diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging. Krystal shares her journey with us from challenges in her biracial upbringing, stepping into advocacy for sexual assault survivors in healing the mother wound. This is an incredible episode for anyone who has a belonging wound and has felt like an outsider most of their life. I know I have and here's the truth that I want you to remember as you listen throughout the episode. You are not meant to be anyone else. But yourself in this world. The path to authenticity, self love and self compassion is the antidote to healing trauma. I hope you all enjoy this episode. And as a reminder, I am raising funds to bring wellness writing programs to schools to help burnt out teachers regulate their emotions and nervous system and manage challenging behaviors they face with their students. Link is in my bio as sincerely Miss Mary on Instagram to contribute to my campaign as well as in the show notes. Now I hope you guys enjoy this episode with crystal Whitaker. Hi, everyone, welcome to Mental breakthrough podcast. Today's guest we have crystal Whittaker. She's a leadership development and inclusive brand consultant specializing in inclusive coaching and consulting for brands and leaders that care deeply about diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging her work is very much needed and the system we live in. How are you doing crystal?
Crystal Whiteaker 3:03
I am doing well. Marianne, thank you. How are you? Oh,
Maryann Samreth 3:07
I am good things happening. But I'm excited to speak to you and hear about your story and how you got into the work. I know you have an incredible story. So so thank you so much for coming on. Of course,
Crystal Whiteaker 3:20
thank you for sharing your platform with me and just allowing me to come on and talk with you. Yeah, of
Maryann Samreth 3:25
course and be as raw and candid as you want to be. This is a place to speak all of your truths. So thank you so much.
Crystal Whiteaker 3:33
Okay, careful what you wish for.
Maryann Samreth 3:36
I will hold space. So my first question that I always ask everyone is what is what is your mental breakthrough story of how you became the human person you are today?
Crystal Whiteaker 3:49
Um, I would say like all of 2019 is my mental breakthrough. Yeah, it's most people you know, they their their mental break through or even breakdown was 2020 but for me 2019 was just the worst.
Maryann Samreth 4:05
Oh, same. Same girl. Okay, so then you get it. We have like a pretty cool, right it's the practice for the for the Brit. Yeah, it's definitely a pretty cool it's a warm up. Right?
Crystal Whiteaker 4:21
Yeah. So in 2019 I experienced a divorce. My dog who actually subsequently my company named crystal Lily photography, the lily is not my name. People always think it is but it's not Lily was my dog. And I didn't know that. Yeah, I try to I try to like trickle it into my messaging every now and then to remind people but yes, Lily was my former business partner. So you can imagine the devastation and heartbreak of losing her because I had had her for 13 years. I had her longer than I had a marriage. So, yeah, I mean, your dog is like, it's like your child. Yes, pet owners understand this. So I have to I get it. Yeah, yeah, nothing can prepare you for it. Um, so that was really devastating because that followed the divorce. And my mother and I had a really rough year that year with our relationship. And I moved back across the country for like the third or fourth time, which was kind of a tumultuous experience. And just when I thought that I was getting to a place where I could start moving through processing, going through a divorce and processing, losing my fur baby, because I will never have biological, like, I'll never have children, my dog was my child. Yeah, I was like getting to this good spot, you know, I was about to be discharged from therapy. And then I experienced a sexual assault by someone that I was close to. So just the the significant trauma and betrayal of trust in that experience, completely broke me. And in that it also stirred up all of this dormant trauma, and not only from childhood abuse, but also trauma that I had experienced in my marriage that I didn't realize was trauma and me constantly being triggered. So it was just, it brought up a lot of really, really tough memories and emotions and things that I either needed to figure out how to work through, or I was also, I was also struggling with suicidal ideation. So it was almost like I had that choice with myself, you know. So I remember laying on my couch at like three o'clock in the morning, one night, and I had this moment because I was shooting weddings primarily at the time as a photographer, and I was in just a complete emotional state thinking, How could things get any worse? How could I possibly feel any worse? Was there even a way out, I just didn't want to feel what I was feeling. And then I thought about my experience as a wedding photographer, and how I wanted to do something that was more fulfilling, I'm like, if I'm going to be here, and I have to figure out how to work through all of this shit. I want it to have more purpose, and more meaning. So I started thinking about changing the focus of my business, I had been really curious about brand photography. And people were already asking me how I could help and mentor them to build inclusive businesses inclusive, specifically, photographers and vendors in the wedding industry, they wanted help creating more inclusive spaces for their clients. And I thought, what if I take all of my corporate knowledge from my previous, you know, decade of corporate experience and combined it with my creative talent as a photographer, and moved into the branding space, and solely focused on working with leaders and entrepreneurs and brands who had some sort of social impact component to their business, like, there's gotta be meaning in that, right. And I typed out this whole plan in my notes on my phone that is still in my Evernote. And I'm actually meeting a lot of those things that I typed out a few years ago. And it it started to click in. And I remember texting a screenshot to my best friend who was a part of my support system at that time, because she knew what I was dealing with. And she was like this, she's like, this is this makes sense. Cuz she's, we've known each other since high school. And she was like, I knew that you would find something to pull out of this awful dark experience that you're going through. And this is it. And that started the trajectory of me working with businesses rather than couples. And now, I mean, it's you have seen what I do, and has had this incredible ripple effect. And now it's more expansive. I'm not just mentoring people on how to be inclusive wedding vendors or inclusive coaches, I'm actually helping people really get rooted in their core values and run businesses that are human focused and values focused with a lens of inclusion and it feels like the absolute most right thing that I've ever done in my life. That was long winded, but that's that's the story.
Maryann Samreth 9:51
Was that this all happen in 2019. Like,
Crystal Whiteaker 9:54
oh, yeah,
Maryann Samreth 9:56
this all team it's crazy and wild. cuz that was my break down break through trauma recovery journey was the start of that. Did you know as you're building and shifting your business, was that an experience of, you know, healing for you? Because what you were going through I can't even imagine being a wedding photographer, and also going through the divorce in that year, and healing and how, like, what was that experience? Like, as you were shifting your business to because it felt it's it sounds like you brought, you know, diversity, inclusion and healing within yourself, and then you're able to give that to other people? What was that experience like for you doing that?
Crystal Whiteaker 10:38
Yes, you are right, I had to do a lot of my own healing. And in a lot of ways I was doing it simultaneously. I sometimes I look back on the earlier clients that worked with me for like mentoring and coaching essentially, and I can't believe that they thought I did a good job. I you know, and not that I wasn't not that I wasn't doing a good job, but I cannot believe that. They couldn't perceive how, how much of a shell of a person I felt like I was, yeah, because in a lot of ways, I was like, healing simultaneously while working with them. Wow. Um, and even even as, as recent as 2021. You know, like, late last year, I started sharing content in like late fall, early winter, about the importance of healing yourself, if you want to truly bring inclusive practices into your business in your life. This work is healing work, it's healing for the individuals, as well as the communities and the collective as a whole. And through all of the work that I did, leading up to even just the slight shift in messaging that I have been pushing out over the last few months, I realized that all of this time, in my program development and working with clients that I was healing as well. And through that healing, I was learning how to create a sense of belonging within myself. And that's what I have been giving to people this whole time. It's like, okay, yes, we need to be inclusive, and we need to be mindful about the ways in which we engage with people. But how can we really do that? If we don't know how to do it for ourselves first?
Maryann Samreth 12:41
Yeah, exactly. It's so you're able to guide people on their own healing journey as like you're teaching them belonging and inclusivity. And diversity, like you also take them on their own personal healing journey. Like, that's part of the big, that's this work. And it's more than just like a check in inbox thing. It's also like embodying the work to how was it like seeing your clients transform and making like, a home within themselves feeling belonging within themselves?
Crystal Whiteaker 13:11
Oh, my gosh, so rewarding. So, so rewarding, especially to see because I, a lot of my clients don't live where I live in LA. So our sessions are done over zoom. And even seeing their aha moments on video seeing their faces and just the shift in body language as things click in for them. And the in between messages, whether they're sending the voice notes, or, you know, text messages. DMS, what have you, sharing like actually vocalizing and sharing their experience and how things are resonating with them? It's, it's incredibly rewarding. And it's like, okay, I'm all of all of the crap. It's, it's led to this, and I don't, I don't, I don't want to be one of those people. That's like, everything happens for a reason. Because I think that sometimes shitty things just happen. And it's not for a reason. But there is something to be said for people like you and people like me, who are able to come out of those awful awful experiences, and make make a better space in the world for ourselves and other people.
Maryann Samreth 14:30
It's making meaning from things that we couldn't change things that have been in our control, were able to, you know, take like, reclaim our power and make meaning from it. And I think that's, that's powerful. And it's and you know, I've seen some of your work to that some of the things you shared and it's so brave to share our stories, to share our truths with the world and I know you're, you know, you are a big advocate for sexual assault survivors. Can you talk about your experience of you know what that was like? like when you first started sharing your stories? Yeah,
Crystal Whiteaker 15:03
well, it's interesting because this is not something that I have shared very, very openly on my business platform, but the information is out there, you know, if people dig, they can find it. Um, and so for me, it's it's more about letting people know that they are not alone. I think my my advocacy work for survivors, it's kind of it's always been in me. And it was 20 2019, or no, I'm sorry, it was 2020. My birthday is in April, which is also coincidentally, Sexual Assault Awareness Month. And I had posted a fundraiser, you know, how Facebook lets you choose a fundraiser to have people donate to for your birthday. And I chose rain. And someone who I know from the wedding industry reached out to me and we had met at a conference earlier that year, or earlier the year before. And she said, Hey, I reckon I noticed that you posted this fundraiser, and I don't want to pry, but I'm assuming that you have some experience. I'm starting this nonprofit and the nonprofit is called survivor lit. And she's like, I'm looking for people who would be interested in being on the board. And it was an immediate yes for me. So I joined her board. And it's not an overly active position, she, you know, we are still engaged with that. But that was the start of it. I did a couple of pieces to submit to the website, because it's a literary magazine for survivors to be able to share their stories. And one of the pieces that I submitted for her was it was a compilation of self portraits that I had done in December of 2019. But I didn't edit them until January of 2020. And I had started the photo series not on purpose as a project for healing for myself, I was actually testing lighting for a boudoir photo client, in my apartment. And in testing lighting. I, it's funny, I haven't shared this publicly. But I started taking photos of myself. And then for some reason, I just decided to start doing nude self portraits. And I was going through working through a series of poses just feeling into my body, which my therapist at the time who was helping me work through all of that trauma was like you need to connect to your body, like you're not going to be able to do this if you can't figure out how to connect to your body. And I did this and I felt disconnected. But I was trying, you know, I did all of that. And I let the photos sit on a memory card. And a month or so later, I needed a clean memory card and I put this card in my computer and I had for I actually forgot that I had done this. And all of these images of me in these various poses. Nude showed up on my computer. And they're not graphic. It's very, like artful. And I was overcome with emotion. And I scrolled through all of them. I don't even remember how many frames there were, but I pulled out 12. And I edited them. And I sent one screenshot to my best friend. And I was like, this is the image for the year and I just look terribly sad, terribly curled within myself and the other 11 Some of them I was more expressed in open and others I was curled into myself and some of them I just had like this. Can I swear on your podcast? Is that oh, yeah, yeah. Some of them I just had this, like, Fuck you look on my face. And I sent them to the local printer that I use in LA and just asked for discretion when they printed them. And I took these images into my next therapy session. And I was just so overwhelmed with emotion because I said simultaneously while I was like editing these images, I had these words, these lines falling out of my brain, and I ended up writing a poem. And I went into therapy and I laid all these photos out on the floor. And my, my therapist was like, Wow, you really went in to your body. And that session, it actually physically exhausted me. I remember passing out when I got home, but um, she had me look at all of the images and because they're each frame is like a different expression. Some of it is very, I look very empowered, and some of it not so much. And she was pointing at the photos and asking me how I felt in each image. And she helped me zoom out from those images. And she was like, You are not here anymore. Like yes, you're here and it's still a tough place. But look at how far you've come from this image versus this image. So that was really helpful for me. And it also planted this seed. And I put it all together. And I sent it to Kiersten, who runs survivor lit. And I was like, hey, I want to contribute this, you know, this is one of my contributions. So it's up on the survivor website. And from that, I also got this idea, like, I want to be able to donate portrait sessions to sexual assault survivors, as a means for them to be able to, to have control over their own image. I think that one of the things that is the most disempowering feeling of experiencing an assault is that, at least for me, so you just feel like all of your power is gone. There's no agency over your body. And there's the story, the story and the shame that you carry until you work through it. And How amazing would it be to be able to give people an experience, you know, their choice as to whether or not they they want to do it clothed or not, but an experience and an opportunity to have portraits taken of them, where they have control over their image and how they want to be seen. And they have power over the narrative that they want to share with people rather than carrying around this weight. This feeling of this thing happened to me. And now I'm like, broken and damaged. Yes, this thing happened to you. And you are actually in control of the story that you share going forward the story that you want people to know, you don't you don't have to tell people what happened to you, you can tell people that this is who I am. versus, you know, I could go on and on about that. But that's something that I really, really want to do. And I've only been able to photograph one survivor at this point. Yeah, because I just haven't figured out how to work it in. We will
Maryann Samreth 21:55
blow up this episode. Make it happen. That is Oh my Yeah. Powerful. This whole story. Oh my gosh, Crystal. It's because I'm also I mean, you know, my story. My story is crazy. And being a sexual assault survivor, like, you know, that, that that insidious act just makes you get out of your body, it connected from your body, you feel you do, you know, you just feel so much betrayal and you carry the shame and that that burden that isn't even yours to begin with. And this you know, this photoshoot that you have like it that just sounds like this profound act of reclaiming yourself but and your story and your identity. And it's so beautiful. Like it sounds like you went through it was this session that you did yourself was it in one session? Or is it kind of like a series that you would always go back to?
Crystal Whiteaker 22:51
I did it all in one session and just in one sitting alone in my apartment? Yeah, and and what's interesting is that I did it organically and somewhat intuitively because like I said, at the time, I was just I started just by testing light. I'm kind of fell into that, but I actually was looking at those images a couple of weeks ago because I'm packing to move. And I came across them and I've just, I you and I we've talked about this I do mirror work where I have little conversations with myself. Yeah, and came across a stack of images and flipped through them and had a little chat with myself in the mirror and I was like damn girl look at how far you've come you are such a badass and I'm so proud of you.
Maryann Samreth 23:40
Yes, you are. You are such a badass and I'm also proud of you. Thank you that is so powerful and even just doing you know taking photos of yourself and view it like it sounds like you captured your grief process like yeah oh yeah after that from the beginning and then like at the end like your therapist pointed out like oh look you're you're empowered you're not in this place anymore but you had to go to that that space of that you know uncomfortable space of of just grieving What happened to you and having acceptance and you it's like you captured all of those moments and you shared it which was so powerful to be witnessed in your truth I just think that's so beautiful. I have to I want to go you know is that like available for like people to see you like those? Yeah,
Crystal Whiteaker 24:27
if you want I can share the link with you for the shownotes I have no problem with people seeing it it's it's not something that I'm ashamed of at all. So yeah, I can share that with you and what's one thing that that I do think is probably noteworthy to share as you know because all of this work that I do around inclusion and like creating that sense of belonging so there's obviously a lot of social and racial justice built up into my work right? Yeah, I'm even in when we talk about social and racial justice and the communities that we are fighting for there is a level of disempowerment within those communities, right. So even on the side of advocating for sexual assault survivors as well, there's also so much disempowerment in those experiences. So I feel like when I am working with people and connecting, I'm I come from a place of understanding what it feels like to be disempowered in multiple spaces and, and multiple experiences. Because I mean, even my own intersectionality, and my identity. So a lot of that gets poured into the ways in which I show up for people because I, I'm fighting for a lot of
Maryann Samreth 25:54
things. Yeah, you're fighting for systemic trauma in your own personal trauma and all of the layers that you know, you understand so much, you have a wide view of adversity and trauma because of your experiences. And I know you mentioned that, you know, you are the only black person in your family, and you're the first to first person or your family to go to college, what was, you know, your experience and your upbringing that, you know, led you to be an advocate for yourself and your experiences?
Crystal Whiteaker 26:24
Oh, my goodness, well, I didn't actually start out, really advocating for myself until my late 20s, to be honest. But growing up, I was I was disempowered a lot growing up too, because I have a history of childhood sexual trauma as well. And so it's I walked this line of being like a happy kid, but also a scared kid. Yeah. And I was also very keenly aware growing up that I that I was different from other members of my family, I have two siblings as well. And I didn't have any connection to the black side of my heritage. I didn't know my father growing up my biological father growing up, and my siblings did. And so I was very, very aware of the differences in our experiences as children, you know, they got to go and spend time with their, their dads and their, their paternal families. And I did not, you know, they had all of these extra things and resources and activities, and I did not. And also, I looked different. And I was I always had this feeling of like, not being white enough and not being black enough. And being picked on constantly, by your own family. No, not by my own family, your community. peers in the community. Yeah, yeah, my, like my family, like we we would pick on each other, but in the ways that families do, yeah, because that would mean terrible, would be terrible. But being in in an all white family, we are also in predominantly white rural communities for the majority of my childhood. And so there were narratives that I absorbed growing up that told me whether intentionally or unintentionally is, besides the point that whiteness was better. So I remember getting to, you know, being a teenager and really wanting to fit in more and have having all these identity crisis's. You know, any any woman of color with curly hair can understand this who is tuning in the years and years that I spent drying and flattening flat ironing my hair so that I could have like hair like the white girls hair like my siblings and so that I can be liked by people. And I'm kind of subconsciously and on doing it in a way that I was unaware of at the time, like really separating myself from the identity of my blackness and I can remember people that I was friends with, you know, saying things like, Oh, you're the whitest black girl I've ever met and things like you know, you're telling me that I was cool because I wasn't like them, meaning them being black people you know, and it's it's so it puts these narratives in your mind where it's like, Okay, well I'm I'm clearly not white, but I probably don't want to associate with being black because you're telling me that that's not okay either. And then, on the flip side of that coin going into predominantly black spaces, I remember the first predominantly black school that I went to. For me it was a culture shock and I got bullied a lot lot because I spoke proper and I had pretty hair. And I can look back in hindsight. And I think a lot of that bullying probably stemmed from people seeing that I was struggling with my own internalized oppression. And they just didn't want me to. I actually, I don't think I could finish that sentence I
Maryann Samreth 30:29
was at college or high school. That was that was middle school that you went to an all black metal, it was predominantly black. Yeah, yeah, I can understand that. Like, I mean, I came, I went, I grew up in white, Illinois. And I do understand that and I had an experience in college where I just had an identity crisis and like an Asian woman, like it talked to me. And then when she she asked me, What if I was Hmong? Because there's a lot of Hmong people in Wisconsin. And when I said I was Cambodian, she just like, stopped talking to me. Oh, my God, I was just like, if I can't be friends with my own, like, you're like Asian peers. Like, where do I feel like it's Yeah, to be made to feel like you don't belong even with like your own races? Really? It's hard. It's yeah, like, if I can't be accepted here, where can I be accepted? But yeah, I totally understand. And yeah, you don't have to speak more on that.
Crystal Whiteaker 31:25
Yeah. It's, it's, it was a tough one that I think that that was probably the hardest. Yeah, my experience growing up was not feeling light enough and not feeling black enough. And like, Where do I belong?
Maryann Samreth 31:35
Right. So you mentioned that your, your mom went through one of your programs? Can you talk about that? And what that was, like, like, how did you get her to do that?
Crystal Whiteaker 31:48
Oh, my mom, I love her so much. I really do. Our relationship is really, really great now. And so I feel completely comfortable talking about this. Um, so my, my mom and I, we've always had like, a challenging relationship was kind of like a thing. We were like the Gilmore Girls when I was in high school. But also it's like, this is not really healthy, like, why am I parenting my mom. But it things we've had several falling outs throughout my adult life because I get two points where I would just get fed up with not being seen or heard or understood. And it came to a head in 2020, after George Floyd was murdered, we were having we were having a conversation on the phone. And I won't share the exchange that we had, but it really upset me. And I sat with the the memory of that conversation. And I remember a few days later, I called her and I was like, and she was also going through some things at the time as well. And I called her and I was like, Mom, look, I love you very much. I am not angry at you. But I'm really disappointed. And I am working through a lot of things right now. Because I was still working through healing my own trauma and also building out my program that was taking a ton of mental and emotional energy on top of all of the energetic energy that was happening in the world around me. I am a deep, deep feeler. So there was a lot happening in my own body and my own experience. And I just told her, I was like, I know you're going through a lot right now. And I am also going through a lot right now. And neither of us is in a place where we can give the other person the support that they need. So I just need a little bit of space from you. And I just reminded her like that I loved her. But I needed to take a break from phone calls, video chats all of it. And we didn't talk live for it was probably somewhere between six or eight weeks, we didn't really have a full conversation. She would text me, you know, I miss you. Can we please talk? And I would respond to her, you know, Hey, I like I'm still not there yet. I do still like I love you. I didn't just ignore her because that would be a totally dick move. And finally, when I felt like I was in a place where we could talk, it was again in the middle of the night like all of these reckonings happen. And it was two or three in the morning. We had a conversation. It was early on the East Coast. And we spoke for a couple of hours and I just poured myself out to her and was very, very honest about how I felt about not feeling seen and my experience and you know a PA Logies were made, and we just both gave each other space. And we started to do the work to repair, which required a lot more effort on her part. And I'm really glad that she made that effort. She sought therapy herself, which I had been begging Wow years.
Maryann Samreth 35:18
That's inspiring. Yeah, yeah.
Crystal Whiteaker 35:21
And she bless her therapist, worked wonders. And she, my mom started communicating with me in a way that I had never experienced before ever in my life. Wow. And I kind of kept waiting for the bottom to fall out. But it never did. It just progressed, and it got better. And that was, that was 2020. So you know, we're almost a couple of years in and we have the best relationship that we've ever had. And, um, I actually just, I want to acknowledge my mom, I know she will listen to this, like, I I am so so so proud of her. She knows why, but I am. I'm like, really, really proud of her. And I'm very thankful that we have the relationship that we do now.
Maryann Samreth 36:11
Yeah, that is beautiful. And I'm sure like to, to witness your mom going on that healing journey to was was really just like heart opening for you to to also like, like, receive more love from the world to like, yeah, yeah. Did it. Oh, sorry, gone. Oh,
Crystal Whiteaker 36:32
I was just missed, because you'd asked about her going through my program. And part of that was that I was like, hey, because she kept asking me questions. antiracist I can't coach you just do this program. And I did. I did. I was like, here you go, just to have access. And she actually went through it and took it. And you know, she, she, she took it to heart. So it was it was really great.
Maryann Samreth 36:56
It's amazing. I would I would I mean, I wish my mom would go through one of my programs, but she's not there yet. Maybe she needs your mom's therapist. Oh, no, my mom listens to my podcast, but. But I love that. And I've something that my one of my Somatic Experiencing practitioner said to me was that when you shift your relationship with your mom, when you start to heal that relationship, your relationship with the world also shifts? And I'm just curious, did you experience that like, like when you you know, kind of mended that relationship with your mom, were you able to see the world differently?
Crystal Whiteaker 37:35
Actually, yeah, so Oh, my God, she's right.
Maryann Samreth 37:40
To my mom, or like,
Crystal Whiteaker 37:43
so prior to my mom and I doing all of this work, and one and I've shared this with my mom, so she knows. But I had this this realization at one point, when I was like, creating my program, I was like an ocean moment. I was writing subconsciously, not all but most of my content to my mother. And so, I mean, I was removing, like, the personal elements and reframing it so that other people could, you know, see themselves in that experience and like go through the work. But subconsciously, a lot of the content that I was writing was inspired by my mom. And, you know, my experience with my family in general. And so now, my content, like the way in which I write my content, and that that writing more from the space of belonging, that that has come from that shift, because I'm no longer writing from a place of like fire.
Maryann Samreth 38:42
Yeah. Like, it needs to be seen and like already, yeah, it's no
Crystal Whiteaker 38:47
longer like, pay attention to me. Like, I understand how to create belonging, and here's how you can do it too.
Maryann Samreth 39:00
I love that. Wow. Now I'm looking at I have to do a content audit. I'm doing the same thing because it's so interesting that like, your language, like you've noticed, everything's all softer and like as as you shifted that relationship Yeah, yeah, that is very powerful and very encouraging for for myself and for anyone else. Other wounds because those are deep but but yeah, it is important like we are connected with with our mom and with our maternal side. So it makes sense and I'm glad that you were able to get there with with all of the work that you've done and have a ripple effect with with your family. I think that's really, really just inspiring and encouraging.
Crystal Whiteaker 39:46
Thank you. Thank you very much for saying that course.
Maryann Samreth 39:51
And I know that core values is a big, you know, a big part of your work. Do you want to talk about you know, what, what are your personal core values and what's what's the importance of core values and just the human experience?
Crystal Whiteaker 40:05
Yeah, oh my gosh, I, I do everything centered around core values. I think it's really, really important and necessary for us to get clear on what what it is that we value, and make sure that those values are being honored. So currently mine and I revisit mine, at least about once a year on average. And I'm due to revisit them, but currently, they are listed as freedom, empowerment, self care, community and trust. And those are, those are kind of my overarching values. And then I have a separate set of values that I need to show up in relationships, because when we're talking about interpersonal relationships, there's a little bit of a shift. So for my relationship values, I look for compassion, patience, understanding, also freedom, communication, connection, trust and nourishment. little lengthy, I need to pair those down and follow my own advice on the relationship front. But I had started doing this work with my therapist originally in 2019. And she brought it up in the session, she's like, do you even know, like, what it is that you value, and I actually was able to rattle off very quickly what they were, and they have evolved since then. But the homework that she had given me was, you know, be really intentional that your value systems are being honored, you know, in when you're doing things, check in with yourself, at the end of every day, because that was for a couple of weeks, that was my homework, at the end of every day, take stock of your day and what you did, and notice if any of your values were touched on or honored. And I did that with myself for a while. And then I started sharing it with my mentees. And they really liked it, it was really powerful for them. And then I expanded what my therapist had given me two, what is now the core of my framework where I get people really clear on what are your values, you need to know what your values are? And not just what they are? But what do they mean to you? Why are they important to you, and don't go surface level. Because you need to be able to utilize your values as a compass for yourself. They're like the soul of your business, the soul of your being. And they can help you make your decisions, you know, whether it's personal or professional, when you are faced with things, are they going to be honoring your values or violating them? And it's, it's been a huge, huge game changer for me as well as my mentees. So I'll have people get really clear, you know, what are your values mean to you? Why are they important to you? And then to take it a step further? How, how are those values also a benefit to the people that you engage with? And how can you speak to inclusion through the lens of those values. And it's been really transformative for people to have this, this compass, if you will, to refer back to I've, I've worked with people who have been in business two and three times the amount of years that I have. And they have actually told me I never thought about just focusing on values to help me run my business. And that's, that's really cool to hear and be able to help someone who has been doing something and you know, being a business owner for much longer than me say, this has changed the way that I approach my business. This has simplified my decision making process. And so I think it's really powerful.
Maryann Samreth 43:59
Yeah, and I love how you have core values for your business and core values for your relationships because, like I didn't even I have never thought about it that way. But like, it's like your relationships is like teaching others how to nourish you and getting your needs met. So then you can give back to your business. And I think it's so important that as business owners as leaders that we have both that we know how to build ourselves up, but so we can also give back in the best way to
Crystal Whiteaker 44:28
Yeah, yeah, and that's why one of my free guides on my website is a core values guide because I'm like, You know what, everybody needs this. Here you can just have it
Maryann Samreth 44:40
and also to embody the core values too, because core values it's from our body itself, it's from our higher self that knows we belong here that knows we deserve love and happiness and peace and and it's it's an embodied it's not just speaking your values. It's also like you're teaching people How to embody these values. And I think that's so important with with the way you do your work. It's having people embody it too.
Crystal Whiteaker 45:08
Yes. 1,000%. And actually embody is one of the words for one of the steps in my framework.
Maryann Samreth 45:14
Yeah, guys get that core values. And then I had I asked my therapist, what core values was when she made me do the exercise? So I had no idea. Oh, no, I was and that just shows how big people pleaser I was back then I didn't even have my, my own core values. But I think I don't think people understand what that is and the importance of it. So it's, it's so important that you know, you are, you know, leaving your business starting with core values, because it helps people like, get in touch with our bodies and like, what are you hearing?
Crystal Whiteaker 45:43
Absolutely. And that's also it's made it much easier for me to help people bring in inclusive practices into their leadership styles and in their business, because one of the number one things that people would share with me when they're coming to me, trying to figure out how to create more inclusive messaging and create more inclusive practices is they're like, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. And I'm afraid to say or do the wrong thing. And so when I start with, like, okay, what are your values? Let's get you really rooted in those and figure out how we can connect your message and your commitment to inclusion to your values, it feels much more natural, and it's easier for them going from that perspective.
Maryann Samreth 46:25
Yeah, yeah. And it's, it's needed, right. Like, we're, we're living in a systemic trauma. That especially corporations, and you see, like the big resignation happening, like how do you get people to care? Like, really, really care and embodied way with the, you know, with the state of our country?
Crystal Whiteaker 46:45
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Values. It's like the best way to to start in my opinion. Yeah. Yeah. Great.
Maryann Samreth 46:52
Great. I love that. Well, I have two final questions for you. Okay. I'm ready. All right. The first one is what do you wish the world had more of?
Crystal Whiteaker 47:04
compassion? And compassion?
Maryann Samreth 47:09
Yeah, definitely. My last question for you is what advice do you have for anyone on their healing journey from trauma center yourself
Crystal Whiteaker 47:19
start? Definitely center yourself take care of you. I think that it is very easy for us to get I don't remember the phrase that you had put to this when we talked offline about this, Maryann, but people in trauma who end up in that like, go go go or you know that where they feel like they need to overcompensate to pretend like there's nothing wrong. Yeah, I was one of those people. Yeah. And it really burnt me out. It made it a lot more challenging, and it made the healing process a lot longer. Just focus on you. Basic Needs, make sure that you are drinking enough water, make sure that you are nourishing your body. If you need rest, rest, really, really, really tune in and listen to your body because the world will keep moving. And the world we'll always expect things of us. But if we aren't centering ourselves and our needs and taking care of our minds, and our bodies and our spirits on our healing journey, it's going to make it so much more challenging to move forward.
Maryann Samreth 48:37
Yeah, listen to your body is everyone it's it, it's very, our bodies want to hear our bodies, you know, they hold so much inner wisdom and truth. So it's, you know, it's, it seems so basic to like, say tap into your body, feel your body, but like, when you do listen, like it, you you really tap into that inner belonging and you know that it sounds like that's the journey like you've been on since 2019 was just finding that inner belonging and now you're showing others how to how to cultivate that inside to so it's it's so beautiful, the work that you do.
Crystal Whiteaker 49:08
Thank you. Yeah, the other thing too, that I will just toss in here. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Yeah. Yeah, ask for help too, if you need it. So yeah,
Maryann Samreth 49:19
yeah, definitely. Well, thank you so much. How can my followers find you follow you? Where are you? Yes.
Crystal Whiteaker 49:28
Um, so people can follow me on Instagram at Crystal Lily creative. And I also if you want to reach me directly, the best way is always by email and the email address that you can use is you belong at Crystal lily.co. And then there is also my website, Crystal lily.co.
Maryann Samreth 49:54
Amazing. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show you shared so much wisdom. So much inspiration for for trauma survivors and, and humans, humans on this journey.
Crystal Whiteaker 50:06
Thank you. Thank you for sharing your platform and thank you for having the space for me and people like me to be able to open up and share their stories and their experience. Hopefully it helps other people.
Maryann Samreth 50:20
It definitely well thank you so much. Thank you all for listening to Crystal's journey. This was an incredible episode for anyone that has a belonging wound or a mother wound or is a person of color that struggles to fit in. This was just a very raw and vulnerable episode. Very grateful Krystal shared her story on this platform. And I want to thank all of you for being a listener, a mental break your podcast, it's been incredible two years of having two seasons of this podcast, it was amazing to share my story in season one, and then to bring on guests to share their story in season two. And now I've just reached a completion in my podcast journey. So this will be the last episode of metal breakthrough series of the podcast, my journey of podcasting has come to an end for now. So I can explore a new creative outlets, which is stand up comedy and acting and screenwriting. It's something that I've always wanted to do. And now I am making more room for all of that. And I just want to thank all of you for being a listener to Metro breakthrough podcast, these episodes will always live on an internet forever for all of you to come back to and listen to if you're ever in need of hope and healing. And I'm just grateful for this community here for all of you. Following my healing journey, I've reached a place where I am wanting more joy and play in my life, and also to have more human interaction, which is why I do kind of enjoy going to musty open mics at sports bars and performing on stage. There's something about human connection that I think we've all been missing the past couple years with a pandemic. So I definitely encourage all of you to add more creativity in your life like real in, you know, in person creativity, away from the computer away from the phone. Just enjoy being in the present moment in real life personal connection. Do you think that's something we've all been missing for the past couple years, and it's getting to a place where we are all yearning for physical human interaction, physical human connection. So I definitely encourage all of you to step into that the rest of the year and into the new year. I will keep you all posted about what my journey will be next, I'll still be on social media. Maybe there will be a new podcast in the works after next year, who knows the possibilities are endless. So I want to thank you all for just being a part of this platform, this community and for just listening and having me be a safe space for you. I don't take that lightly. I am really really grateful to have this platform. So I want to thank you all so much probably for the fifth time. And I will be on Instagram Tik Tok at sincerely Miss Mary. Probably posting more about stand up who knows we'll see where this takes me. I wish you guys an amazing week and amazing holiday coming up. And if you are on the healing journey, know that this journey is not one that many people take in that you deserve to live. A life filled with happiness and freedom and the power of choice to make it whatever you choose to be. Thank you all and have a great day.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
