S1:E8: Be Brave Enough to Ask for Help

In this episode, I share how I asked for help for the first time so I can quickly escape my abuser.

Transcript

Intro:
Welcome to Mental Breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity.

I’m Maryann Samreth, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again.

In this season, I carry you moment to moment, starting with a tumultuous breakup, then multiple breakdowns, and eventually a breakthrough.

I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors and break the cycle of generational trauma.

There is power in storytelling and sharing our vulnerabilities with the world. It opens doors to cultivate deeper connections with others on the same journey so we can heal as a collective.

By sharing my truths, I pave the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell. Stories that can be someone’s silver lining. Stories of hope.

Episode Intro:
This episode is to honor survivors of sexual assault and emotional abuse . My story can be triggering so listener discretion is advised.

In this episode, I share how I asked for help for the first time so I can quickly escape my abuser. I talk about how I became transparent about my truths for the first time with my mom, who rarely spoke about our emotions, and how this led to dismantling the toxic asian culture of suppressing our feelings. I also go into heartfelt stories of temporarily moving in with friends after the breakup until I found a new place to live.

Asking for help and support from your loved ones is the bravest thing you can do.

Episode 8: Be Brave Enough to Ask for Help

“I wish you told me sooner.”

These words were spoken by my mom after I called her in panic mode to tell her about my eventful breakup.

This was the first time I was ever this vulnerable and transparent about my situation because I needed help to quickly move out of my shared apartment with my abusive ex.

I too wish I told my mom sooner.

I didn’t give myself permission to welcome help because I didn’t want to be a burden.

I didn’t want to be criticized or judged, because I was embarrassed with the victim blaming I endured for over a year after telling my partner his best friend sexually assaulted me…a horrifying story I share in episode 1 and 2.

For so long, I chose to remain in the shadows of my disparity rather than come into the light and admit I needed help.

All I knew growing up in my Cambodian household was to suppress our emotions and carry-on past any negative events in our lives for fear of being criticized of talked about by extended family members.

Gossip was contagious within our culture which made you feel like you were constantly being watched.

In our family, we rarely talked about our feelings.

We rarely cried.

We just performed our act of perfection and tried our best to save face in every circumstance out of our control.

This behavior was deeply embedded in the way I navigated my entire 20s in New York City.

I hid the difficulties I faced with 3 job layoffs within 5 years, roommates bullying me, and even my suicide attempt when I was 26 years old.

All I knew was to save face as to not be a burden on anyone, especially my mom…

But eventually everything imploded when I could no longer hide from the truths of my tumultuous relationship.

It was no longer safe for me to live at home with my partner. Immediately after the breakup he wouldn’t look, speak, or acknowledge my existence.

He had completely given me the silent treatment which I later learned is a manipulation tactic used by those with high traits of narcissism as a form of punishment on their victims.

As a highly sensitive person, I sensed his energy starting to turn malicious and dangerous and I no longer felt safe living with him until I moved out of our apartment.

I had no choice but to ask my family for help and when I did, I felt a wave of relief.

I also felt bad that I ever believed my family would be disappointed in me for the traumas I was enduring.

My mom’s reaction was surprising. I thought she would be ashamed of me instead she said, “I wish you told me sooner…I would have helped you sooner.”

When she said those words, my beliefs of my family and the Asian culture of maintaining perfection was shattered…those were myths.

Because at the end of the day. Culture, image, and reputation will be tossed out the window when a mother wants to keep her daughter safe.

My confirmation bias of Asians suppressing their feelings, saving face, and being silent and complicit was rightfully shattered with one phone call to my mom.

The month after my traumatic breakup was a wakeup call for me to lean into the support of friends and family who wanted to help me without judgment.

I needed to be safe and I needed to be out of that apartment as quickly as possible.

For 2 weeks I had lived with different friends until I moved into my new apartment.

My dear friends welcomed me and my dog Porpy into their homes.

And yes…I thankfully got to keep the dog we adopted together because I sneakily put my name as the primary owner, when we signed her adoption papers.

One of my closet friends, Liana, who also sat next to me at work Tommy Hilfiger, who I also mention in episode 2 was the first to persuade me to get out of my apartment and stay with her for a week.

We were already attached to the hip at work— we got coffee together, took lunch breaks together, annoyed our boss together, and now I was temporarily living with her in Bushwick in her studio apartment.

She cooked me dinner every night, let me sleep in her bed, cry on her couch, and then commute together to work every day for a week. Looking back, I realized how much I needed this support.

My time being her temporary roommate was my reminder I am loved and supported in times of distress. 

After a week of living with Liana, I stayed with one of my college friends and her fiancé. They also welcomed me in with open arms and a nightly glass of rose. They were an incredible support system who graciously made me feel safe in their home.

Every night we’d binge watch Game of Thrones and pass out on the couch. It’s one of my favorite memories of third wheeling one of my favorite couples for a week.

My heart swells knowing how much I needed a support system during my breakup. When you are ending an abusive relationship, the healthiest thing you can do is to leave the unsafe environment. I am so grateful to have had places to go to during this time. 

Fortunately, I signed a new lease for my dream Upper East Side studio apartment right away and 2 weeks after the breakup.

I remember when I got the phone call about getting approved for the apartment. It was right in front of Bryant Park where I hysterically bawled onto the shoulders of Liana.

Public crying is kind of a norm in NYC, people let you be.

So, I unapologetically wept tears of joy that I was beginning the start of my new life, where the grass was greener without the emotional abuse.

The weekend of my move my Mom flew out to NYC from Chicago and my aunt came to visit me from DC. I felt so lucky that my family stood by my side to help me start the next chapter of my life.

I was filled with gratitude that for the first time I could open up about my vulnerability with family. The relationship with my mom and my aunt had deepened on a level beyond the surface.

My beliefs of the pressure to have it all together was deflated. I realized, those pressures and expectations, was what I had put onto myself.

My mom just wanted me to be happy, even if that means a man wasn’t in the picture.

I always think about why asking for help was so scary for me.

I felt like I had to admit that I failed in some way when there is no such thing as failure. What matters is safety.

If I didn’t ask for help, I would have stayed in that abusive relationship. I would have maintained a comfort level of staying stuck.

This lesson showed me asking for help is worth the temporary discomfort in order to experience lifelong relief of support.

I had to be open to receiving the support by surrendering to people being there for me.

Letting people in and finding the courage to be vulnerable with my truths was never weak…it was brave…and to be vulnerable with someone you trust allows for a growing relationship.

We often care what others think of the way we live our lives that we stretch ourselves so thin just to fit in everyone’s comfort zone.

We prioritize people’s perception of us when in reality we have no control over that.

This toxic belief makes it easy for us to stay in places we don’t belong out of fear of breaking the status quo.

The truth is no one is watching you as much as they are watching themselves.

We fight so hard for perfection when perfection is a false narrative that every person on earth has their shit together.

The truth is we are all a work in progress and asking for help, guidance and support is the bravest form of self-care, self-love, and self-worth.

I want you to be brave enough to ask for help.

I want you to be brave enough to lean in.

I want you to surrender to your vulnerability and allow people to love and support you.

You do not have to move through life alone nor are you meant to.

We’re meant to travel in packs and cultivate relationships that make us feel seen, heard and loved.

You are never alone in moments of darkness. You just have to find the courage to lean into those who want to protect you.

I am slowly learning to let people catch me when I fall.

I am slowly learning to let people support me without feeling like a burden.

I am slowly learning to lean in
When the world feels too heavy

I am slowly learning to lean in
When I am running out of breaths to give

I am slowly learning to lean in
When my mind starts roaming in dark places

I am slowly learning to lean in
To the people who wish me well
To the people who love me unconditionally
To the people who have watched me silently screaming
To the people who reach out with their promising hands
as a reminder they will never let me fall when I do decide
To lean in

Outro:
We all have a story to tell and I want to thank you for listening to mine. I’m Maryann, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary.

Thank you all for listening to my story. If you liked this episode please leave me a review. 

Please remember if you are in need of support do not be afraid to ask for help. I have a list of mental health resources of my personal list of mental health professionals from therapist to life coaches. These are all people I know or have worked with and are women I trust with my whole heart. My support tribe is your support tribe. Link will be in shownotes.

You can also follow me on TikTok and Instagram @ sincerelymissmary and download my free breakup workbook, link is also in shownotes.

I will talk to you all next week.