S1:E7: To the Karen of My Life — Your Silence is Loud
in this episode, I share a story about the Karen of my life. She is a woman, in my ex’s inner circle, who chose to turn her back on me after I condemned her friend for sexually assaulting me.
Transcript
Intro:
Welcome to Mental Breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity.
I’m Maryann Samreth, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again.
In this season, I carry you moment to moment, starting with a tumultuous breakup, then multiple breakdowns, and eventually a breakthrough.
I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors and break the cycle of generational trauma.
There is power in storytelling and sharing our vulnerabilities with the world. It opens doors to cultivate deeper connections with others on the same journey so we can heal as a collective.
By sharing my truths, I pave the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell. Stories that can be someone’s silver lining. Stories of hope.
Episode Intro:
This episode is to honor survivors of sexual assault . My story can be triggering so listener discretion is advised.
In this episode, I share a story about the Karen of my life. She is a woman, in my ex’s inner circle, who chose to turn her back on me after I condemned her friend for sexually assaulting me.
I talk about how silence and complicity keeps the toxic culture alive of letting men get away with sexual assault. It is so important for women to support women, believe women, and stand with women…the Karen of my life turned her back on me...she represents someone who contributes to the problem instead of the solution of misogyny, victim blaming, and systemic racism.
With the recent events of asian hate crimes and Evan Rachel Wood speaking up against her abuser, Marilyn Manson, I knew this was an important story to share, in hopes to help anyone going through this feel less alone.
If you have ever been victim-blamed or faced silence and complicity from the people in your life who knew your abuser, please know, you did nothing wrong, and you didn’t deserve it.
Episode 7: To the Karen of My Life — Your Silence is Loud
After an unpredictable year filled with collective trauma caused by the Pandemic and the turmoil of this country, I take a moment and submerge into the hell of summer 2019’s past.
I cry. Deservingly. Grievingly. Painfully.
I swim in the pool of rejection of the ones I fought tirelessly to be seen, to be heard, and to be believed when I spoke up about my sexual assault which I talk about in detail in episode 1.
In summary, as New Yorkers were walking into Summer Fridays, I was walking into the aftermath of publicly condemning my perpetrator.
My worst fears came to life — a breakup, betrayal, rejection, character assassination, and an unfollowing parade of my Instagram account.
My ex’s narcissistic rage drove these painful events after shedding light on the character of his best friend.
There was one woman who crushed my heart when she unfollowed my Instagram.
She was someone in my ex’s inner circle that I was always drawn to. It was her energy, her strength, and her kindness that made me believe she could take down my oppressor.
On the day I exposed her friend, she and her husband reached out to my ex instead of me, the victim.
They had no idea that they sought out information from a man that victim-blamed me back into silence for years after confronting him about his best friend.
The convenience of protecting his bromance was brought to him on a silver platter, as this woman only chose to reach out to him.
It took me a long time to let go of the hope that this woman will miraculously wake up to the false narrative fed to her.
One of her instagram posts from the height of the Black Lives Matter Movement, still summons my inner dragon towards her hypocrisy. I can’t unsee her performative act of supporting black lives.
Captioned under her photo was a list of white privileges formulating the ultimate composure of white guilt and performative allyship:
“My privilege is being able to own a fancy bike/car/home without people thinking twice how I got it. My privilege is being able to walk in the woods or a store without being watched closely. My privilege was showing up to work this week and not having people look to me for my response or how to help while I was still processing traumatic events. My privilege is... you get the picture.
Her caption haunts my mind with questions and comments backed with well-deserved rage until I came to terms with who she was.
She was the Karen of my life and she also failed to mention these additional privileges:
Her privilege was turning her back on a woman who sought justice. Her privilege was siding with two oppressors: a white man accused of sexual assault, and a white man that throws victim-blame daggers left and right. Her privilege was neglecting the victim’s side of the story. Her privilege was her complicity. Her privilege was her silence.
Her silence was deafening.
Her public support of the Black Lives Matter movement contradicts her complicity towards my sexual assault allegations. By her convert abandoning of intersectionality, she contributes to the problem of this nation. Her continued silence of her friend’s unjust behavior perpetuates a system that fails to protect victims of sexual assault, especially when the oppressor is a white male.
According to RAINN:
39% of sexual assault victims know the perpetrator.
Her friend was my perpetrator and my ex-boyfriend’s best friend.
50% of perpetrators are 30 or older.
Her friend was 27. Now he is over 30.
57% of perpetrators are white. 27% are black.
Her friend was white.
These statistics are from reported cases. Unreported cases like mine and many other women would drive these numbers up. I now understand why women fear speaking up about their perpetrators.
The fear of rejection and not being believed is a women’s worst nightmare. My nightmare came to life after I exposed my perpetrator and was faced with heart-wrenching silence by people who were friends with him.
I am one of many victims that have experienced the silence that frees our oppressors from the chains of accountability.
If Karen wants to be a faithful ally to the Black community, it starts with acknowledging her biases that allowed a white man to walk free from acts of sexual assault. Breaking down systemic oppression starts with disempowering men who benefit from it, including the ones in her inner circle.
Elie Wiesel Said “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. The opposite of love does not hate; it’s indifference.”
Karen’s silence protects my tormentor.
Karen’s silence justifies victim-blaming.
Karen’s silence makes her no ally to the Black community.
I hope she can someday bring awareness to why she felt more comfortable asking my ex, a white male, about my sexual assault, rather than me, the victim, and a person of color?
I am aware that my ex can win an Oscar in calculated storytelling and withholding of information to continue his walk of victim shame. Still, I often wonder why she never reached out to me.
I hope she builds the courage to ask me what happened that summer night in 2014.
A crucial detail that I am confident my ex neglected to tell her was I was one of two women sexually assaulted, a story I will tell in a later episode.
The act itself was without hesitation or remorse. I am haunted to this day because I know down to my bones, this was not his first time, and it will not be his last.
“The truth is still the truth if no one believes it. A lie is still a lie if everyone believes it.” — Anonymous
To my Karen — I can’t convince you to believe me over my ex who once held the Instagram handle Whiteboy Zaddy.
I can’t convince you to use your voice or condemn your friend, but I hope you can bring awareness to the limiting beliefs that lead you to side with my oppressors. I hope you someday google what it means to be intersectional about the rights of humanity.
I hope you do the work to break down those beliefs so you can be the ally women need today because the world is better when women support women, and you failed me.
To all women — I need you to wake up to your superpower that is prevalent and needed today. This superpower is your voice. We all need to stand together in solidarity.
It is not a coincidence that more than half of today’s perpetrators are white men living in a society founded on white male supremacy.
To all men- women need you to call out toxic masculinity when you see it.
We all need to believe victims of sexual assault. The narrative that women make up sexual assault for attention needs to be cancelled.
To my fellow females, we need to believe the matriarchal power of our voices, especially for marginalized groups, can create change, when we stand together.
We need to be an ally towards one another to create an intersectional future.
We cannot have any more Karens like the one in my life, maintaining her comfortable silence.
Us, women, of every race have to stick together.
To be brave is to lean into the discomfort of calling out injustice when you see it.
Us women, need to remember that we are always capable of rising up.
It is these moments we fall , crash, burn
Are we faced with choices
It is these moments we crack, shatter, break
are we faced with choices
It is these moments we entangle in circumstances
Beyond our control
are we faced with choices
As mothers
We rise
As daughters
We rise
As sisters
We rise
As women
We choose to rise
Every damn time
Outro:
We all have a story to tell and I want to thank you for listening to mine. I’m Maryann, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary.
A little back story on this episode it was inspired by an article I wrote last year at the height of the black lives matter movement, condemning my Karen for being complicit towards my perpetrator and abuser.
It’s important to know that if you are ever in a place where you condemn your abuser or someone who enabled them, you have to detach from the outcome that they will see their wrong doings and apologize.
Many people lack the ability to cultivate self-awareness...but your stories will reach someone with a similar experience, and make them feel less alone.
Those are the people that matter, the ones who are in need of hope in overcoming trauma.
Thank you all for listening to my story. If you liked this episode please leave me a review.
You can also follow me on TikTok and Instagram @ sincerelymissmary and download my free breakup workbook, link in shownotes.
I will talk to you all next week.
