Rock Bottom Is A Cozy Place
“It took you 2 somatic experiencing trauma training for you to be ready for this tumor,” my somatic experiencing/acupuncturist/TCM/GODSEND practitioner tells me after a healing session.
Those words allowed my body to soften up, my mind to ease into my current journey, and my heart to receive gratitude for being fully prepared to handle this.
My world flipped upside down a few weeks ago when the doctors found a large mass on my ovary.
Maybe it’s a cyst, I had hoped, along with my acupuncturist, who knew how to treat cysts.
But then, after seeing a surgical specialist last week to examine what exactly was in my body, he confirmed that this was a solid tumor and would never reduce in size.
Either I get surgery to remove it, or I leave it in and risk a twisted ovary, thus needing surgery, and as someone who constantly lives in hypervigilance, getting this thing out of me was the only way to reduce my cortisol levels.
Thankfully this tumor was benign, and I have a high chance of keeping my ovary through surgery.
I’ve been going through a grief process the past few weeks, meeting other women who also experienced similar circumstances beyond their control and had the same surgery I soon would be receiving.
I’ve learned so much more about my reproductive system, gut health, liver health, and entire body system in the past month than I ever have.
And it was about damn time to do so…I have been living in survival mode for so long that my mind had been entirely separate from my body until now…even with all the therapy I have been through, from EMDR to somatic experiencing to CBT.
I never paused long enough to tell my body, thank you for protecting me.
My body begged my mind to slow down long enough to acknowledge that something was not right.
Because this tumor has been growing in my body for years, most likely.
It was there through every unstable work environment, relationship, and friendship.
It was there through every broken heart and broken system.
And it was also there when I began advocating for myself, falling in alignment with the power of my body and the way it has protected me through adverse circumstances.
I've never felt more prepared to deal with this current season of my life because I'm no longer afraid to ask for help, to be supported, and to be loved by having the right people who make me feel safe in my body, especially my #1 person...myself.
I realized there was no sense in beating myself up for this happening to me because, as my dear friend, Stephanie Venditto, loves to say repeatedly that there is nothing in life to master and there is nothing to fix.
This week’s podcast episode could not be more fitting for the uncertainty I am facing in my life. You can listen here.
I am at rock bottom, and by rock bottom, I mean I am in a place where I am acknowledging what is not working in my life, aka my pace in my coaching business and my pace in achieving all of these expectations I’ve set for myself.
Rock bottom for me is feeling lost, confused, and undone…I’ve been here before after every fashion layoff and traumatic relationship breakups.
Rock bottom is a cozy space because I’m now face to face with my truths.
Where I fearlessly ask myself what do I desire and can I let go of the no’s in my life to get me to places, people and dreams that make me feel good…that make me feel energized…that make me feel open and hopeful, and all of the things that light up my heart.
This tumor has changed me…to be even kinder to myself…I know I won’t be the same after this surgery…I’ll be more present…lighter… spacious…making more room for more things that make me feel like me.
Sincerely,
Mary
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