Why I was 30 Minutes Late For My First Date With My Partner
I was 30 minutes late to my first date with my partner because of my trauma anxiety.
After spending nearly 2 years single, intentionally not dating anyone so I could heal from an abusive relationship, I decided to go on a dating app and commit to the journey of seeking a healthy relationship.
This was almost a year ago I joined Hinged...and even though I made Tiktok videos documenting my dating journey and how I was open and having fun...I didn’t show the other side.
Which was an emotional disaster.
Putting myself out there again to seek a safe relationship was terrifying.
I would post Tiktoks talking about how I was open to dating again but okay with never falling in love again when in reality, all I wanted was to fall in love again.
Yet, I was terrified.
My Hinge journey was a repeat of me crying whenever someone asked me out, followed by ghosting until my therapist told me in a session, the only person I could trust in my dating journey was myself.
“But I don’t want to meet an abusive narcissistic psychopath like my ex again,” I told her.
“You can’t control who you meet. You may meet someone like your ex again, but this time you know yourself enough to leave and walk away,” she told me.
“The part of you scared to be loved again is valid. Write to her,” said my therapist.
She was right.
I know myself enough to discern if someone is unsafe for me and know to walk away. However, if I never gave myself a chance to put myself out there, I would never know what a safe love feels like.
So I wrote to this scared past version of myself. The version felt broken from her traumatic relationship experiences, and I let her speak.
I let her tell me her fears, insecurities, and feelings of unworthiness, and then I guided her to tell me her desires for love, safety, and security.
I allowed her to co-exist in my body through my dating journey as I met one safe person to the next.
The journey was messy, emotional, scary, but it was valid for what my body had experienced in the past traumas to prepare me for the day I met my partner...although 30 minutes late...I showed up for this date.
Because I needed to show up for her.
For the wounded girl inside me, terrified of love yet longing for it.
Sincerely,
Mary
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